Dear Dr Ellen-

I can’t tell you what a change your Light His Fire and Light Her Fire books have made in my marriage.  I can’t really say that Joe and I were on the brink of divorce, I think that it would be more accurate to say that we were suffering silently.  Neither of us really wanting to divorce, both wanting to be a full time force in the lives of our children, and at the very least settling for a lifeless marriage, where passion and romance had become a thing of the past.

When I was looking for things that I could do to help bring some life back into my marriage, I came across your site almost immediately, and thought to myself that if anyone could save my marriage it would be you.  Well, I ordered your books, but was a little skeptical and thought my husband would think that I was nutty, so I decided to start reading Light His Fire while he was at work for a few days and see how it went.  As I started reading I realized right away that this book was for me and as I began working some of the steps, I began to really see things begin to change.  Amazingly to my surprise so did Joe and it didn’t take long at all before he was smiling at me again, the way he used to years ago.  I shared with him the Light Her Fire book and he was so impressed with how Light His Fire was working that he immediately started reading.  Well, that is when things really began to take off.  This past weekend, we took the kids to Grandmas and spent a few days at home alone together.  I can’t just say that we enjoyed our time together, we had a blast and were laughing and playing like teenagers.

Your books have really turned not only our marriage problems around, but have created a much better environment for us to be raising our children in.  I personally believe that you have not only saved my marriage, but the marriages of my children in the future.  After all, how can they have a successful marriage if they don’t know what it looks like?

With Sincere Thanks,

The Carzone Family

Most people would agree that communication is a key to any relationship, however for men, when asked about communication they seem to think that this is just a barrage of endless conversation with no end in sight, which to them seems relatively pointless and boring.  What most men don’t realize however, is the importance of non verbal communication, things like body language, touching and eye contact, which are actually more what your wife is paying attention to then the actual words.  These things are essential to your wife and she is reading you and what you are telling her non verbally probably much more than you realize.

This is one of the essential difference between men and women and one of the reasons why many couples wind up in marriage counseling or even divorced.  Many marriage problems occur when the communication lines are crossed and the problem is that men and women just identify with things differently.

Women will tend to be very vague about the issues, saying things like I can’t tell that you love me anymore, and a man will try to solve the problem with an action, so he will either try to say I love you to her more or he will try to have sex with her more.  For a man, he is trying to solve the problem and for a women, this isn’t cutting.  When your wife says that she can’t tell you love her, she wants you to communicate this by listening to her attentively, being aware of her feelings and needs, and touching her in a loving way, whether that is giving her a hug when she is having a bad day, or a foot rub at the end of a hard one.  There is a tenderness that she is looking for from you.

Men tend to be very literal beings while females tend to be very much about feelings and this is sometimes the reason for the breakdown in communication between a husband and a wife.  It is like speaking in two different languages.  Men need action steps and women aren’t giving them, so men tend to get frustrated and give up.  It is really not anyone’s fault, but it is the difference between men and women and it is something that needs to be understood by both partners in your marriage.

Honestly, many people who are cheating on their spouse say “I never meant for this to happen”.  Well, I think that is because many people don’t realize that they may have not meant to do it, but they kept allowing the opportunity to occur time and time again.

First you must keep in mind that men and women are very different.  Men are a bit naive when it comes to what a woman is truly capable of.  Women are planners, and if they are interested in a man they will find a way to weasel themselves into his life, married or not.  They will find out where he eats, where he hangs out with his friends, and where he works out.  She will keep finding reasons to be where you are when you are there.  Most men think that this is a coincidence when in fact she is carefully stacking her cards to make a move.  So the very first thing is don’t be naive.

Secondly, and I believe the true key to keeping yourself faithful to your spouse is to stay away from fire.  It is a normal reaction to feel attracted to someone, but you don’t need to act on those feelings.  If you know there is a woman that you are attracted to then stay away.  You don’t need to complicate your life and confuse your own feelings by being around that person.  Be sure that you are not alone with this person.  Do not meet outside of the work place, even when in a group, and if you must attend a business function or something like that then bring your wife along.  This will insure that nothing will be happening.  If for some reason this person lets you know that they are interested immediately reinforce to them that you are not interested and that you are happily married.  For some this will be a deterrent.

Whatever you do, don’t allow the opportunities to get the best of you.  If you don’t set yourself up for trouble, then more than likely you won’t get into any.  Remember, don’t even flirt with the idea of having an affair, and you will steer clear of one.  Focus your energy on your marriage and if you are having marriage problems then seek out the help from a marriage counseling expert.  An affair will only compound your problems, it won’t make anything better.

Every marriage has its marriage problems, but there are some important things that you can do to make the most out of your marriage and keep your relationship strong and healthy.

1.  Love Each Other.  Realize how lucky you are to have someone to love who also loves you.  Remember that love grows only in the presence of freedom and trust.  Don’t take this blessing for granted.

2.  Listen.  Don’t just listen with your ears but listen with your heart.  Accept each other as individuals and don’t take things too personally.  Understand that your differences are the thing that attracted you to that person in the first place.  Don’t try to control the other person’s feelings.  Allow your spouse to express her thoughts and feeling honestly, and you will both benefit from the exchange.

3.  Never Stop Being Sweethearts.  Be sure to treat her as though she was the most important thing in your life.  Do things to make her feel loved and appreciated.

4.  Take Care Of Each Other.  Be sure to help each other through the tough time.  Go to doctor appointments together.  This however does not mean to ignore your own needs.  Be sure you are taking care of both of you.

5.  Look To Each Other For Help.  There is nothing wrong with asking for help from your spouse.  You will find that doing this not only helps you, but also helps them to know that you think they are reliable and respected.

6.  Be Friends.  Share your thoughts and feelings.  Treat your wife as you would treat a friend.  Tell her everything, you will be surprised how doing this will bring down the walls for both of you.

7.  Don’t Flirt (accept with your wife).  Accept the fact that you have found the one you are going to spend the rest of your life with.  Don’t do things to attract the attention of other women or things to make your wife jealous.  Doing this will most definitely back fire on you.

8.  Money.  Work on money issues and spending together.  Always be sure you are both in agreement about when and how your money should be spent, even if you are the wage earner in the family, you are still life partners and should share things equally.

9.  Question Your Actions.  When you are in doubt about how your actions will affect your wife, one good rule of thumb always applies and that is the old biblical rule do unto others as you would have done to you.  Be sure that you think about how you would perceive the same situation if you were in your wife’s shoes.  Doing this will help you make much better choices.

10.  Have Fun! This can be difficult, but be sure to keep some fun and excitement in your marriage.  One thing that will more than likely keep you out of marriage counseling is to keep the fun in your marriage.  Play a lot.

Tom comes home from a long day at work.  He flings off his shoes, shirt and stops at the fridge for a beer before getting down to business.  No, Tom is not planning a romantic evening with his wife, nor is he sitting down to work a second job, he is getting online with his friends to play XBOX live.  Tom doesn’t just play for an hour or two, he plays well into the wee hours of the morning, and his wife Judy has just about had it.  Judy is a nice looking woman, she takes care of the house and works a full time job.  When she comes home from work in the evening to look at the back of her husband’s head, it makes her blood boil.  She has tried to discuss this with him, but he doesn’t hear that what she is really saying is “If you continue making that game your number 1 priority, then I am out of here”.

Tom doesn’t realize that he is having marriage problems.  He thinks that she is just nagging and that it really doesn’t matter, but Judy sees it differently.  She sees his continued game playing as him saying that she doesn’t matter to him, and neither does their relationship.  So what should Tom do?

There is nothing wrong with having interests outside of your marriage, as a matter of fact this is a very healthy thing, however, when your outside interests become your life, so much so that even if your wife answered the door for you completely naked, that you would still head for the couch and play XBOX, then quite frankly you are either addicted to the game, or you are using playing this game to escape from reality and your wife.

Limit your play time and set up times to play the game and stick to them.  Let your wife know that you have heard what she has been saying and let her know what your game times will be.  Then set up some alone time for the two of you, letting her know that you are setting aside time for just her as well.

When all is said and done your wife will be happier, and so will you.

Stress can be an overwhelming problem in a marriage.  Now we could sit here and go through all the reasons for worry and stress, money problems, jobs, etc. but the bottom line is that if you want to succeed in life and succeed in marriage, then you must find ways to reduce your stress and relax.

The following are some really wonderful ideas for inexpensive things that you can do to bond as a couple and reduce your stress.

1.  Take a vacation from reality.  You don’t need to actually go anywhere to do this.  Simply take some time off from life.  Turn off the phone, TV and computer.  Spend some time together.  If you have kids, send them to grandma’s house.  Give each other massages, take baths, do some reading together (not the newspaper) and essentially just block out everything for a day or two.  This will provide you both with a much needed break without having to spend a fortune on an expensive trip.

2.  Take a walk together.  Hold hands and talk.  The fresh air and endorphins will do both of you some good and give you both a much needed break.

3.  Exercise together.  Pick up a cheap yoga tape online.  There are some really great one’s for couples to do together.  Yoga is not only great for getting in shape, it is also very relaxing.

4.  Talk about what is really on your mind.  Letting go of emotions and feelings can really help to take the pressure off.  Create a time and place to just let go of some of the pressures of the day and share your thoughts, fears and concerns.  Sharing these with your life partner, can help you to feel better and they may be able to help you see solutions that you don’t see yourself.

Working together to help reduce stress is good for each of you as individuals and for you as a couple.  You may ask can reducing stress really save my marriage? And the answer is YES!

Even in the best relationship, your wife will compare how you react to her with how you react with others.  She will be constantly sizing herself up.  If she is hearing fond stories about the cute things that your ex did, or how you wish she cooked more like your mother does, she is going to feel that she is not good enough, or enough of what you want.

Keep in mind that your comments may not be this obvious, but even little innuendos that cause her to think that there is another woman in your life who even comes close to her, can actually cause some serious marriage problems.  You may think that this is a small issue, however your wife wants to know that you are happy with your decision to make her your wife, and that there is no one else in the world that could even come close to her.

You can do this by looking carefully at all the wonderful things that your wife brings to your life and your world.  There are reasons why you chose to marry her and to spend your life with her.  That is what you need to focus on and compliment her on.  Tell her every day the reasons that you love her, and that you appreciate all that she brings to your life.  If love is in your heart and in your mind, then all else will come together.

Next time you come home to a messy house and no dinner, acknowledge that is because your wife was taking care of the kids.  Then tell her that she is a wonderful and caring mother, and that you are so glad that she is mother to your children.  Then you and the kids can pick up the house and call for take out.  Sometimes you need to focus on all the good and none of the bad.

If there is one thing that your wife wants from you, it is to feel that she is the number one person in your life.  Many times conflicts in marriage can lead to a need for marriage counseling, but being aware of this fact, can turn things around.  Take this scenerio:

Mary is a working mom, she runs all day and comes home to kids, dinner, laundry, and so much more.  Hal comes home from work, usually about one hour after Mary, and when he does, he plops onto the couch.  When she asks him for help, he says that he is too tired, and sits watching the news frowning.  She believes that he is too tired from work, and doesn’t make a fuss, she just continues on and takes care of what needs to be done at home.  Then one night he comes in the door, all smiles telling Mary that he has been asked to go over to the neighbor’s to play cards with some of the guys.  Mary is thinking to herself, “Why is it that he has no energy when I ask for help, but he is happy to go out for the evening?” Whether he means it or not, Hal is telling Mary that she is not as important in his life as his friends are.

Many times we take our spouse for granted and put our own needs above theirs.  The problem is that when someone else wants or needs from us, we are more than willing to overextend to do for others.  Letting your wife know that she is your number one priority is something that can really help a marriage.  Put her on the top of your list instead of at the bottom and what you will find is that you will move up on her priority list as well.  She wants to be close with you, but she needs to feel that she matters to you, and you can let her know this by making time for her, to listen, to go out together, and to help her out.  These little things will let her know you care.  Then when the neighbor comes to call, you can say, “I am sorry, but I will be spending the evening with my wife.” Believe it or not this type of gesture will go a long way in showing your wife that she is on the very top of your list.

One of the basic principles believed and followed by some of the most prominent names in the world is the principle that what you focus on grows.  Essentially what this means is that when you focus on the negative or the lack in your life, then that is what you create more of.  The same is true with the positive.  Therefore, it stands to reason that you want to focus on the good that you have and nurture it to grow more plentiful.

This principle is easily carried over into a marital relationship.  Focusing not only on the positive things about your relationship but also in the positive aspects of your mate, can do wonders to not only turn around your marriage problems, but actually turn around your whole life.

Looking at your mate in a new light, can turn around your relationship and make you see your spouse in a whole new light.  If she is cheap, you can turn that around and say that she is always thinking about our future, or if she talks too much, you can say that she is friendly and a people person.  These are ways that you can turn around your thought process and focus on the positives that your mate provides in your life and in your relationship.

You must keep in mind that you can put a positive spin on just about anything, and remember that these are the things that attracted you to them in the beginning.  Expecting them to change to suit you is unrealistic, but what you can change is your perception of them, and if you do this I assure you that if you do this, you will find that they are more positive and attractive in your eyes.

Many men hear the words Marriage Counseling and freeze up.  I think perhaps this is because many men don’t want to air their problems to another person, and they don’t want to deal with the underlying emotions that having marriage problems can invoke.  This is what one man says about his reaction to marriage counseling and the Light Her Fire / Light His Fire:

I came in from work one day, not really knowing what my wife wanted from me, when she told me to come sit down with her at the table.  At first I really thought that someone had died or something horrible had happened, and then like that she just sprung it on me, “Honey, I think that we should go see a marriage counselor”.  I am not sure what the look on my face said at that moment, but I can tell you the thoughts that were running through my head, who me, why? Are you cheating on me? Am I not enough man for you? Don’t get me wrong, I did see that the spark wasn’t there anymore, but I thought that was just the way a marriage was.  Over time we had grown to me more like room mates, moving through the house trying to stay out of the other person’s way.  Sure we didn’t talk as much and didn’t have sex as much, but that was normal, wasn’t it? I told her I was fine with the idea of counseling, when in fact I really wasn’t.  I didn’t really see how bringing another person in was going to help us.  She made an appointment and I found the whole thing very mundane, she said what was bothering her, then I said my piece.  The counselor nodded a lot and threw in a few open-ended questions, but after a few weeks, I could see that we were just going around in circles.  I knew my wife must be truly unhappy if she thought we needed counseling, and she seemed to be getting very frustrated with the counseling.  I decided that I really needed something that could save my marriage, and so I began looking online and found Dr. Ellen’s Light His Fire and Light Her Fire.  The price was extremely reasonable, especially compared to how much we were spending on counseling each week, so I decided to order it.  Well, when it first arrived, I didn’t even tell my wife about it.  I figured I really needed to see if it was going to help.  I started to follow some of the advice that Dr. Ellen gave, and honestly, I was shocked that my wife responded so positively to the things I was doing.  A few days later, I shared Dr. Ellen’s program with her.  I can’t tell you how much this program has added to our lives and our marriage.  I never thought that we would ever feel this way about each other again.  Thanks Dr. Ellen, we couldn’t have done it without you.