Marriage Counseling Alternatives for Men
Save Marriage from Marriage Problems-Marriage Advice
Marriage Counseling Alternative for Men
I had been teaching my “Light His Fire” course for women for over a year before I finally decided to organize a class for men. My initial reason for the men’s class was to satisfy all those women who asked, “Don’t you have a marriage counseling alternative for men?” or “How do you expect me to take this class when there’s nothing for him?” or “It’s not fair. Why is it always the woman’s job to make the changes?”
I kept postponing the starting date because somewhere along the way I had accepted the common belief that men were not interested in improving their relationships; that there was no way I was going to get a group of men to sit in a class one evening a week for six weeks in order to learn how to be better husbands.
Then one day, I received a phone call from a man who was distraught because his wife wanted a divorce. He had been through marriage counseling and, in his words, “It was a waste of time and money.” She had fallen in love with a doctor she worked with at the hospital. I don’t think I’ll ever forget his voice when, after explaining the whole situation, he asked me, “What about us? Why don’t you have a class that men can take? Don’t we count too? I could feel the pain in his voice and gave him what comfort I could. Again, I thought vaguely that I should soon offer that men’s class.
Approximately two weeks later, I received another phone call, a desperate cry for help from a man who had just returned home from work to a vacant house. His wife had left him a note explaining that she and the children had gone to live with her mother in another state. She had the movers come and take all their belongings, and was putting them in storage until she got herself settled. She said they had too many marriage problems and she didn’t see any other alternative. He had heard about my classes and some of the wonderful results and wondered if he could sit in on the women’s class, since there was nothing for men. “I’ll do anything at this point to get her back,” he cried.
A voice inside me said, “Ellen, what are you waiting for? Just do it!” I heard myself telling him, “That won’t be necessary. The first men’s class will begin in three weeks.”
On May 13, 1982, the first men’s class was ready to begin. As they came in, I sensed an uncomfortable feeling permeating the room. I tried to make small talk while we waited for everyone to arrive, but none of them were receptive, thirty-five men, all cool and aloof, all wishing they were somewhere else.
As I introduced myself to the group and shared a little of my background, I was keenly aware that no one was looking at me. They were staring at their notebooks, pens, hands, out the window, anywhere but at me. I asked each man to introduce himself and tell the class why he was there. Of the thirty-five men, five were there because they heard about the class and decided it was something from which they would benefit. The other thirty had joined because of ultimatums, threats, persuasion, or nagging. The truth was that most of them did not want to be there. They had shown up just to please their wives and get them off their backs.
Halfway through the lesson, I realized I was as uncomfortable teaching as they were being there. When we took a fifteen-minute break, every man, without exception, left the room to get some fresh air. They scurried out of that room as fast as they could, leaving me alone to gaze out of the window at them. Some of them began smoking and staring out into the parking lot. Others were pacing back and forth, and still others were staring down at the sidewalk. Not one man spoke to another. There was complete silence. It seemed as if each of those men had his space, and you didn’t dare invade his privacy. That was exactly what I had been doing for the past hour.
Somehow I got through the rest of the class. When it was over, there was a mad dash for the front door, no good-byes or acknowledgments, just an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had done a terrible job. What a difference there was between the men’s and women’s classes. The women’s classes always began with a great deal of noise as the women eagerly introduced themselves to me and their classmates. I always had to bang the microphone several times to signal that conversation had to stop, that I was ready to begin. At the breaks, several women always came up immediately asking me questions or commenting on what I had said. Laughter, anticipation, and camaraderie were evident throughout the entire class. When the lesson was over, I’d end up staying at least an hour or more, since some of the women always had questions, comments, and stories to supplement the class.
The next Saturday, I left home feeling as if I wanted to be anywhere but in that classroom. To my amazement, several men had arrived early to chat. They had been thinking all week about what they learned and had some thought to share. Others brought in magazine articles that supported what I had discussed and which they thought I might enjoy. A few even began talking to the men seated next to them. Lo and behold, there was life after all.
From then on, it was full steam ahead. The same laughter, participation, and camaraderie in the women’s class was now evident in the men’s class. It just took longer for the men to feel comfortable. They had been nervous and suspicious, not knowing what to expect, but they had learned that there was nothing threatening about my class and no reason to be defensive. They had nothing to defend since I was not on the attack. I wasn’t telling them they had been wrong all their lives. This was simply a class about understanding women and how they could fulfill their needs.
Since that first men’s class twenty-six years ago, I have taught tens of thousands of men and found each class to be a wonderful challenge. They’ve keep me on my toes. I’ve been able to fine-tune my style of teaching so that I’m more direct and get to the point faster. Men are not as accepting as women when generalizations are made; they want specific examples. The men in my classes have argued about and questioned, as well as supported and added to, my initial material. I was forced to grow in my ability as an instructor. I had to learn to present my information more clearly and concisely, and still be entertaining. I am forever grateful to all those men who have contributed to that process.
Today, “Light Her Fire,” is available on 12 CD’s or can be downloaded from my site. In a society where one out of every two marriages ends in divorce, men are just as interested and committed to making their marriages work as their wives are. I know that men care every bit as much about fulfilling a woman’s needs as she does about fulfilling his. What man would not want to have the “inside scoop” about what makes the other half of his relationship tick? A man, too, wants to know how to keep his wife hopelessly and passionately in love with him.
Men are Biological, Women are Psychological
It’s usually a man who ultimately teaches a woman that her body is beautiful and something to be proud of and enjoy. He also teaches her to be more physical, to enjoy sex, to relax and have fun. This is so natural for a man, because most of his life he reacts in a physical way. A man gets sexually aroused by looking at magazines, x-rated movies, big breasts or long legs. His response is immediate and his reactions tend to be physical.
If a man is truly a great lover, he has been taught tenderness, understanding, appreciation, sensitivity, and patience. For most women, sex is not an immediate reaction. It’s usually a decision she makes mentally, not physically, when she is in the mood for sex. Most women have to give themselves permission to get aroused sexually. For a woman, if there is not a feeling of closeness, caring, and understanding, she will not respond in the bedroom. Her mind is in control of her body.
I polled a group of men and women and asked them, “What is the most pleasurable time you spend with the woman or man you love?”
Most of the men responded, “When we are making love.”
However, the women responded in a completely different way. Not one said, “Having sex.” Their list consisted of hugging, touching, kissing, and talking. Not the sex act.
Sex is Giving
Sex for her is kindness, gentleness, devotion, commitment, caring, patience, and compliments. It starts in the morning with whether you said “I love you” before you left. It’s telling her how much she means to you. It’s going shopping with her. It’s helping her with the chores. It’s noticing that she has a new dress or hairdo. It’s asking her to dinner. It’s whether you phoned to say you’ll be late. It’s bringing home a card of gift. Real romance for a woman is letting her know she’s special, appreciated, and loved. It’s you spending time reaching out to her in a very giving way.
This is very different from what most men are used to. Listen in on any locker-room talk in a high school, and boys will ask each other, “Did you get anything last night?” “Did you score?” “Did you conquer her?” These are not tender, loving questions. They are very selfish, immature questions, yet men of all ages operate on this level, consciously or unconsciously, until either catastrophe or enlightenment comes.
So, here is the question for all of you reading this article. “What is the most pleasurable time you spend with the woman you love?”
I polled a group of men and women and asked them, “What is the most pleasurable time you spend with the woman or man you love?”
Most of the men responded, “When we are making love.”
However, the women responded in a completely different way. Not one said, “Having sex.” Their list consisted of hugging, touching, kissing, and talking. Not the sex act.
So, the second question I’d love you to respond to is, “Have you ever bragged or exaggerated about your sex life when you are with other men or when you are out with another couple?” You’ve probably never thought about it, but if you can be honest (and that is what this site is all about) I would like to know why you think that you brag or exaggerate. If you do not brag about your sex life, how do you feel when you are with other men that do? Are you jealous, embarrassed, wish you had a wife like theirs?”
Attention to Her Needs
If you were a salesman trying to sell your product to a particular company, the first thing you would do is find out what that company’s needs are. If the company you were on cared mostly about progressive thinking, about being on the leading edge of technology, about being an innovator in their field, and price was not their main concern, you’d lose the sale if you tried to sell your product on the basis of price competitiveness. Why? You didn’t fulfill their needs because you didn’t pay attention to what they were saying. On the other hand, another company interested only in price would not buy from you if you emphasized that your product would help build their image.
A woman, like a company, will tell you her needs. You just have to listen. And you can’t make a value judgment that says, “The way you want to be loved is wrong. My way is better.”
If a woman says, “I need to know you love me,” a man may respond with, “I’m working my tail off to provide a living. Isn’t that enough?” This is not listening. It is quite possible that she sees your job as an obligation you have only to yourself, not a fulfillment of her emotional needs.
Patrick wrote to me after listening to Light Her Fire and said, “I was the manager of the customer complaint department of a large corporation. All day long I listened to people’s problems and complaints. I certainly wasn’t in the mood to come home and hear my wife do the same thing. When she’d start telling me about the problems she was having with our two teenage sons, I’d get annoyed with her and say, ‘Look, all day long I’m solving problems; I’m not about to spend my evenings doing the same. All I want is peace and quiet. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.’ That usually stopped her cold. The only problem was that later, when I wanted to make love to her, she remained cold. Your program made me stop and think about what I was doing to her. I was giving myself to people I had never met and not to the most important person in my life. All she was asking for was time to talk about her frustrations and anxieties. She needed some help and she wanted a little guidance from me. Once I started listening and being there for her, you can bet she was there for me later in the evening!”
Do you have a story that you can add? Can you recall a time when you were focusing on your own needs rather than hers.
