Many believe that couples that have been together for many, many years, have just not faced the difficulties that those who have divorced have faced.  You might be surprised to learn that longevity in a marriage is not created by an absence of marriage problems, but by the actual marriage problems themselves.

Those couples have faced the obstacles of going broke, of infidelity, of anger and frustration, the absence of sex, the changing of roles, the child rearing years, the empty nest syndrome, and the retiring spouse.  They understand what you are going through, just ask them, because surely any couple who has stood the test of time, has truly emerged a healthier and happier couple, cemented by instead of being ripped apart by those harrowing life experiences.

Understand that the expression that “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”, is indeed true, not only of individual life experiences, but those that you face as a couple as well.  Growth comes from problem solving together, by recommitting to your spouse over and over again.  Understand that what ever the problems in your marriage currently, that you can turn things around, make a change, and work together towards resolution.  Open your heart, and in turn your spouse’s heart will open too.  Remember the commitment that you made to each other and the love that you once shared, even if it seems far removed from your heart right now, and find a way to reconnect and rebuild.  Working through your marriage problems together will help you experience a love connection like you have never before experienced, a deep emotional connection that just continues to grow over time.

Marriage is a commitment.  A lifetime promise to another person to stick by them no matter what happens.  It is easy to make the commitment when you are all gaga over each other.  Then it is yes, yes, yeeesssss.  But somewhere along the line, you see them sick and cranky.  You each get busy fufilling your “responsibilities” in life and the relationship is suddenly in the back seat, on or in the trunk, or quite honestly has perhaps rolled off the back of the car completely, and before you know it you are sitting next to each other on the couch wondering “what went wrong?” Thinking to yourself “do I even want to save my marriage?”

Well, maybe this is you.  If it is, before you think about leaving your spouse and moving on, there are some things that you really need to think about.  First off, most second marriages work out worse than the first ones.  Secondly, remember that commitment, it didn’t say, until I am bored and tired of my spouse.  Marriage is a commitment, one that is meant to last a lifetime.  So if you are thinking about having an affair, think about using some of that energy, zest and romance that you have stored up on winning back your mate.

Don’t allow your heart to wander.  Find love with your husband again, and do it now.

1. Focus on the good in your spouse and in your life together.  Sometimes a new perspective can make all the difference.

2. Treat your spouse as if he were someone new.  Act as if you are dating for the first time, how would you treat him.

3. Dress and act to impress.  Just as you would do when you are courting someone, come to bed looking and smelling good.  Give him a long kiss in the morning (after you brush) and flirt with him the whole day through.  Make him know that you want him and the anticipation of what will come later on, will have you both excited to be together.

Love is not something that just happens, it is grown and cultivated.  So nurture, yourself, your spouse and your marriage and watch it blossom into something you cherish.

A good marriage is built on good communication.  Many couples experience marriage problems when the communication begins to break down.  One of the biggest problems in the communication of feuding couples is the blame game.  Everyone feels the need to put the fault on the other person.  This is why when many couples go to marriage counseling, they learn how to word what they are trying to say in phrases like “I feel” or “this hurts me”.  Doing this stops them from saying things like “you do this” or “you don’t do that”.

This does not mean that you need to squash your feelings or not talk about the things that are bothering you to save the other person’s feelings.  The reason for the change in the wording is very simple; When we feel that we are being blamed for something, we feel as if we are under attack, and so we defend.  When a person is defensive, they are ready to leap on every word, without listening for the true meaning underlying what is being said.  Once the words…you do this…come out, you may as well end the discussion right there, because the person is already on the defensive and no matter how nicely worded a war will most likely ensue.

Remember that it takes two to make a marriage work and two to make a marriage fail.  Working together for the greater good of the relationship, really needs to be the goal of both the husband and the wife, and the key to it all is effective communication without blame.

My programs for men are a wonderful alternative to marriage counseling. Most people believe that marriage counseling can really help you with the core issues in your marriage. Couples who decide to see a marriage counselor often wind up yelling at each other about the laundry and dishes, when in fact their anger has absolutely nothing to do with what they are fighting about. The problem most couples have is that they are living separate lives and spend very little time communicating with each other. Jobs, children, friends, relatives, all become a priority and the marriage is somewhere at the bottom of the list. It is very easy to become distracted with day to day issues, but sitting down for just 30 minutes a day with your spouse instead of a stranger, can make you feel close and connected again. It is important to put the children to bed, turn off the TV and computer and ignore the home phone, cell phone and Blackberry. This should be quality time that is spent exclusively together with no interruptions. You don’t need to communicate your wants and needs to a third party. You don’t need to pay someone to sit and listen to you, repeat what you have just said and validate your feelings. You need to do that with your spouse! I know this seems like such a simple solution to your very complicated problems but if you will carve out 30 minutes of quality time, you’ll see your marriage change overnight. You show me a couple who has a great sex life in the bedroom and I’ll bet that is the same couple who spends time talking and connecting outside
of the bedroom.

The one thing that sets aside the marital relationship from every other relationship that we have in our lives is the sexual component.  We all want a multi-faceted relationship with our spouse, however without the sexual component it is the equivalent of every other room mate situation or every other friendship that we have.  Sex is not just a physical act, it is an emotionally and mentally charged event that incorporates the physical love into a connection that is beyond spiritual.  This is the reason that sex is so important to the marital relationship, it is a connection and a bond that is shared on an intimate level between two people.

Many couples seem to be struggling to realize the importance of intercourse in their marriage.  With responsibilities taking hold, and so many things to do and places to go, more and more couples are living out platonic existances, not because they don’t love each other, but because by the time they slow down in their lives they are darn near exhaustion and ready to drop.  So what needs to be done to stop this trend is to reprioritize.  Just like laundry, dishes, and toothbrushing, you must schedule sex in.  Most couples think that this is just too much.  They don’t want to have sex on schedule, they want to have sex when they are in the mood.  So ask yourself…”When was the last time I was in the mood?” and for the most part, you probably can remember.  Reignigting your sex life, is important and to do this you must have sex with your wife, like it or not.  If you continue to live out a platonic relationship, then one or the other of you will find yourself having an affair before long, because sexual urges are natural feelings.  So make more time for your spouse, and for sex.  Put it on the calander and stick to it.  This doesn’t mean that you have to have sex everytime you are together, but use this time for intimacy and closeness, and you may find that your sexual urges are still lurking underneath it all.

May and Kevin had been sweethearts from the time they met in high school.  Kevin was always in the lead and May always just did things according to Kevin’s lead.  Perhaps because they started out very young in their relationship, May was fine with the way things were, and Kevin too, after all, this is what they were used to.  Well, the continued on through their lives having their ups and downs.  Three wonderful children, and a modest, but good life, they met each crisis together.  As the children got a little older, they didn’t need as much from May as they did when they were younger, and May a stay at home Mom found herself with more time on her hands.  She took on some house projects and found that she had a real flare for interior design.  She decided that she liked this field so much that she wanted to go to school for it.  Kevin was a bit resistant to the whole idea, being used to May always there to care for him, wasn’t really sure that he wanted her out there in the world.  He was skeptical, but he gave in.  After a few months of taking classes, May was in finals week, and she was really stressed.  She wasn’t around to make dinners, the house was disheveled and Kevin was not very happy with this arrangement.  May explained to him that it was just going to be a week and then finals would be over and things would return to normal.

As he sat on the couch, alone, eating a frozen dinner and watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, he was frustrated and missed his wife and wanted her at home with him.  He began to think back to when they first got married and how May was left at home with 3 small children all day and well into the evening, while he pursued his own career and thought to himself, she did it for me.

Instead of getting upset, he knew that May would roll in exhausted after a hard night of studying and decided that she deserved to be treated like the princess she is.  Sure he was no marriage counselor, but he knew that he needed to show that he supported her.  He put on some soft music, drew her a bath and lit some candles.  When she arrived home, she was completely overwhelmed.  He told her to go ahead in the bathroom and take a bath and he would bring her some tea.  He told her to get some rest and proceeded to go to sleep in the guest room so he wouldn’t disturb her when he awoke in the morning.

May went on to get her degree in interior design, and Kevin continued to support her.  Although, their relationship is different than it was before both feel it has changed for the better.  They have been married for 32 years.

One of the facts that many times is overlooked, is that living together is not a guarantee of a successful marriage.  Many marriage counselors believe that it is in the act of marriage that we transition our loved one into family status, and begin treating them as family instead of as a love interest.  In doing this many couples lose that spark that thing that made them feel so special and so attracted to that other person.  In other words, instead of being that someone special, on their wedding day many couples begin thinking and acting like their spouse is just one of the family.  This for many couples is the beginning of the end.

Perhaps, we just don’t treat our family members with the same respect that we treat other people in our lives, or maybe it is just we think that we can take them for granted because after all, we are family.  They can’t divorce us, can’t rid themselves of us, but yet a spouse can and will if we don’t live up to the expectations they have for us.

Instead of treating them as a fixture in our lives, perhaps we should be treating them as the treasured airloom that they are.  Giving them that place of highest honor and respect.  Using nice manners and always respecting them, whether they are present or not.  I know that most of us don’t mean to take our spouses for granted, yet somehow over time it just happens.

So let’s try and get back to the basics.  Treat your wife with respect and like she is a gift and I am sure that the favor will be returned.  Learning to appreciate what we have is one of the basic principles of life, and this rule can not only solve marriage problems, but many other problems in life as well.

Recently, I got to see an interview with Will Smith on television.  He had a lot to say, but the one thing that he talks about is his marriage.  Now here is a couple with a wonderful family and of course, plenty of money.  What struck me is the fact that over and over again he talks about having a successful marriage.  He says that being married is one of the most difficult things you will do in life, and that it is his philosophy that in order to succeed you need to think about getting divorced as not an option.  In other words, he says that if you leave divorce as an option in your mind then whenever the going gets tough, and there will be tough times, then eventually you will choose that option.

His point is that if you have no choice but to work through the issues at hand, then you will find a way to do it.  Well, honestly Will raises some really good points.  Marriage is absolutely a commitment, and if you ask anyone who has been married for a long time, they will tell you about the troubles that they have had along the way.  Marriage problems are not uncommon, however couples who are willing to really dig their heels in and do the work to get their marriage back on track are.  Sometimes, it is all you can do just to focus on the commitment that you made to one another.  It is important to acknowledge that you made that commitment and that you are going to do whatever you can do to honor it.

Marriage counseling can be helpful, but it is much more effective with two people who are willing to do whatever it takes to stay together.  Working through the tough times together will give you more strength as a couple in the future.

Honestly, many people who are cheating on their spouse say “I never meant for this to happen”.  Well, I think that is because many people don’t realize that they may have not meant to do it, but they kept allowing the opportunity to occur time and time again.

First you must keep in mind that men and women are very different.  Men are a bit naive when it comes to what a woman is truly capable of.  Women are planners, and if they are interested in a man they will find a way to weasel themselves into his life, married or not.  They will find out where he eats, where he hangs out with his friends, and where he works out.  She will keep finding reasons to be where you are when you are there.  Most men think that this is a coincidence when in fact she is carefully stacking her cards to make a move.  So the very first thing is don’t be naive.

Secondly, and I believe the true key to keeping yourself faithful to your spouse is to stay away from fire.  It is a normal reaction to feel attracted to someone, but you don’t need to act on those feelings.  If you know there is a woman that you are attracted to then stay away.  You don’t need to complicate your life and confuse your own feelings by being around that person.  Be sure that you are not alone with this person.  Do not meet outside of the work place, even when in a group, and if you must attend a business function or something like that then bring your wife along.  This will insure that nothing will be happening.  If for some reason this person lets you know that they are interested immediately reinforce to them that you are not interested and that you are happily married.  For some this will be a deterrent.

Whatever you do, don’t allow the opportunities to get the best of you.  If you don’t set yourself up for trouble, then more than likely you won’t get into any.  Remember, don’t even flirt with the idea of having an affair, and you will steer clear of one.  Focus your energy on your marriage and if you are having marriage problems then seek out the help from a marriage counseling expert.  An affair will only compound your problems, it won’t make anything better.

Every marriage has its marriage problems, but there are some important things that you can do to make the most out of your marriage and keep your relationship strong and healthy.

1.  Love Each Other.  Realize how lucky you are to have someone to love who also loves you.  Remember that love grows only in the presence of freedom and trust.  Don’t take this blessing for granted.

2.  Listen.  Don’t just listen with your ears but listen with your heart.  Accept each other as individuals and don’t take things too personally.  Understand that your differences are the thing that attracted you to that person in the first place.  Don’t try to control the other person’s feelings.  Allow your spouse to express her thoughts and feeling honestly, and you will both benefit from the exchange.

3.  Never Stop Being Sweethearts.  Be sure to treat her as though she was the most important thing in your life.  Do things to make her feel loved and appreciated.

4.  Take Care Of Each Other.  Be sure to help each other through the tough time.  Go to doctor appointments together.  This however does not mean to ignore your own needs.  Be sure you are taking care of both of you.

5.  Look To Each Other For Help.  There is nothing wrong with asking for help from your spouse.  You will find that doing this not only helps you, but also helps them to know that you think they are reliable and respected.

6.  Be Friends.  Share your thoughts and feelings.  Treat your wife as you would treat a friend.  Tell her everything, you will be surprised how doing this will bring down the walls for both of you.

7.  Don’t Flirt (accept with your wife).  Accept the fact that you have found the one you are going to spend the rest of your life with.  Don’t do things to attract the attention of other women or things to make your wife jealous.  Doing this will most definitely back fire on you.

8.  Money.  Work on money issues and spending together.  Always be sure you are both in agreement about when and how your money should be spent, even if you are the wage earner in the family, you are still life partners and should share things equally.

9.  Question Your Actions.  When you are in doubt about how your actions will affect your wife, one good rule of thumb always applies and that is the old biblical rule do unto others as you would have done to you.  Be sure that you think about how you would perceive the same situation if you were in your wife’s shoes.  Doing this will help you make much better choices.

10.  Have Fun! This can be difficult, but be sure to keep some fun and excitement in your marriage.  One thing that will more than likely keep you out of marriage counseling is to keep the fun in your marriage.  Play a lot.