Men need sex, but so do women.  Most men think that women don’t need sex, however this is not really so.  For a man, the act of sexual intercourse reaffirms their belief in the love that they share with their spouse.  For women, however, they need a certain amount of tenderness and caring to feel loved, and although they do truly enjoy the physical act of love, they find it difficult to feel “in the mood” when they are feeling overwhelmed and have a lack of connection to their spouse.  Men on the other hand tend to be more flexible with sex than women.

So as a guy, you need to be aware of these differences and work to improve your relationship, which will in turn help you to improve your sex life.  This is why it is so important for you to really understand they way to build up your relationship to an intimacy level that allows you to experience the true nature of your feeling for each other which will, I assure you increase your libido and hers.    The following things can be little changes that can make a big difference.

1.  Call her.  Whether you are out with friends or on a break at work, just letting her know that you are thinking of her can really help things.

2.  Put her first.  When she gets home from work, get off the phone or shut off the TV.  Doing this will her see that she matters more than other things in your life.

3.  Communicate your needs, but also allow her to communicate hers.  Use the echo without sounding like a parrot.  Let her know what you are hearing her say, so that she can clarify if need be.

4.  Don’t forget that you love her.  Always act lovingly, kind and respectful.  Don’t yell, tantrum or blame.  If you occasionally mess up, be sure to apologize, before she asks you to.

When Alex married Sara, he knew what he was getting, or at least he thought so.  He took the vows seriously, and has continued to remain faithful to her, despite some of the problems in their marriage.  His biggest problem however, is Sara’s weight.  At first when she gained a few pounds, he didn’t mind it, she had always been a little underweight and he didn’t mind her with a few extra pounds on her.  She had always been active and still liked to go out and hang with friends, and so it was all good.  Now it is only 6 years 4 months since their walk down the isle and Sara is over 200 lbs.  She did put on some of the weight with pregnancy, so he really thought that it would come off in time, however, that was 2 years ago, and her weight seems to still be going up and not down.

Alex says, “I love my wife, but she repulses me.  I don’t find her sexually attractive, and quite honestly making love to her is really something that I am just not compelled to do anymore.” He tells that they have a child together and that he doesn’t want to leave her, but he is constantly being lured in by thinner more attractive women, and is afraid that one day he will give in to these urges.

Now many people may believe that Alex’s complaints are merely superficial, however with the added weight have come changes in Sara’s behavior also, so this is actually a realistic concern.  Realize that I am not saying that gaining a few pounds is a reason to leave your spouse, but it can cause issues in a relationship.

The important thing to realize is that as long as there is not an underlying health issue, your wife may be putting on weight because she is unhappy.  She may be depressed or frustrated, and not necessarily with you but with her life.  It is important that together you work on this issue and improve your communication with each other to get to the bottom of the real issues.

Be careful not to criticize the weight gain or her physical appearance, but to let her know that you are sensing that she is unhappy and that you would like to work on this together.  She will not only appreciate your support, but by taking this approach you can also help to improve your marriage.

Many times when first meeting someone, we tend to put our best foot forward, after all we want them to like us and to show us their approval.  Sometimes, though, when we are in this beginning “getting to know you” phase, we pretend to be something that we aren’t.  We pretend to like what the other person likes or do things that are out of character just to make an impression.  This is called the honeymoon phase of the relationship and this is just really the getting to know you phase.  The problem for many couples is that they go into marriage before they even really know each other.  Then after they marry they find out that they have different ideas and opinions about things.

Working together on your marriage may mean compromise, however it should not require you to check your own spirit at the door just to co-habitate with your spouse.  If you are doing this, you are living a lie.  Many men especially feel that it is best to avoid the argument or heated discussion in order to keep the peace.  In the short term, this method may be working, however in the long run, it will more than likely create marriage problems and a deep seeded resentment in the other person.

So don’t completely sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship.  Instead try and communicate your feelings and work to find a middle ground, and if at first you don’t succeed, then keep trying because marriage is a lifetime commitment and one that should not be taken lightly.

Sometimes things occur in a marriage or in life in general that may force you to be separated from your spouse for a while.  For some this is heading off to war, family issues, or even a separation due to marriage problems.  When you return after a significant absence, you may find it difficult to be around your spouse, and if the separation has been for a significant amount of time, this can be a totally normal process, and does not mean that you don’t love and care about each other, and does not mean that it is time for a divorce.  Keep in mind that human beings are dynamic and constantly being changed by their circumstances and surroundings.  As a person grows, they change and sometimes these changes can be significant, however, they usually don’t affect the core of who the person truly is and this is something to keep in mind when trying to reconnect.

Understand, that if you find your marriage is in this reconnection phase, that this is an opportunity for rebirth.  An opportunity to start anew rediscovering each other in ways that you never have before.  Just because you have been together for a while, doesn’t mean that this will be comfortable, but think of it as a way to court all over again.  Date, bring her flowers, and listen to what she says.  This is an opportunity to rediscover your love with this new person, and since you are starting fresh it is a new day.  Don’t be resentful of the changes you see, but embrace them and instead of seeing these changes as having taken something from you consider it as if you are getting to know someone new, because in essence, you truly are.

I write this especially for all those who are having to reconnect after separation due to the war.  Keep in mind that you are returning a new person, and your wife is probably a different person also, so don’t expect everything to be the same as it was.  It can still be good, just not exactly the same.

Many men seem to think that this is the answer to pleasing a woman, but really this should be the least of your concerns.  Once married, you will truly realize that there is a lot more to pleasing your wife then just finding the G spot in bed.  It is much better for not only your sexual relationship but also your overall relationship to put the focus on finding what makes her happy in life.  Finding little ways to please your wife everyday will help you to please her both inside the bedroom and out.

What you will find is that the key to a good sexual relationship is knowing and understanding your spouse.  Knowing emotionally what she needs can really open up the friendship in your marriage and help you to have a closer and more intimate relationship.

Sex is just one part of a marriage and although a very important part, communication is essential to both the physical and emotional components of marriage.  Take the time to get to know your wife and her needs, and let her know you on a more intimate level as well.  Changing the focus from pleasing your wife in bed to pleasing her everyday outside the bedroom, and you will see changes in your sex life that you never thought possible.

What many people don’t realize is that life is what you make of it. This is true in a marriage as well. Living with another person is never simple. There are different beliefs, differences in opinion, not to mention the stresses of day to day living which tend to creep into your marriage and cause marriage problems when you are not looking. Some of the mistakes that cause people to seek out marriage counseling can be more simply solved by looking at your relationship and assessing what it really happening. The following is a guide to communication to help you realize and change your communication to better serve a healthier relationship.

1. The parent-child marriage. This is an issue in which one partner is acting as the grown up and the other is acting as the child. Many times the relationship doesn’t start out this way, however over the years one partner may take over the dominant role causing the other to become more submissive. These relationships don’t usually succeed, because one feels the pressure of always being in charge, while the other one feels like the inferior partner, always being told what to do and where to go. This can really hurt your relationship.

2. Parent-parent Marriage - This where both parties take on both roles and there is a major power struggle in these households. Marriages like this tend to involve a lot of fighting and therefore this is just counterproductive.

3. Child-child Marriage - In this marriage, everyone is being selfish and trying to get what is their’s the important thing to remember is that this is also counterproductive, and causes a lot of fighting, but usually is exhibited in passive aggressive behaviors as opposed to actual confrontational fighting.

4. Adult-Adult Marriage - This is the ideal relationship for a married couple, and also prevents more marriage problems. In a relationship in which two people are working together and meeting each other’s needs and their own makes for the healthiest type of marriage.

Many people are looking for the keys to a healthy, happy marriage.  Here are some things that can certainly help your marriage.

1.  Don’t ever go to bed angry.  Try to work things out before you go to sleep.  If you can’t do this then try to wake up and look at the new day as a fresh start.  Don’t hold onto the argument into the next day, this can be very detrimental.

2.  Go out of your way to compliment your spouse every day whether you feel like it or not.  It is important not only as it effects your spouse and their self esteem, but it also helps reinforce to you why you are with that person and what makes them valuable to you.

3.  Communicate with your spouse, not just about what they are doing wrong or how you are feeling, but about everything.  Making your spouse your best friend, is what will best allow your marriage to flourish.

4.  Work together.  Be the compliment of one another.  If she likes to do the car repairs and you would rather do the laundry, then so be it.  The happier you are together the better you will work together, and what you will find is that working together toward a common objective helps build the relationship.

5.  Work on and address financial matters together.  Finances are such a big part of a marriage, and most couples with marriage problems seek counseling for their financial issues.  Having a solid financial plan that you are working on together can make all the difference.

6.  Put your spouse on the top of the list.  Put them ahead of friends, kids, and your family of origin and don’t just put them there, but make it obvious that you are there for them first.  This can make a big difference in your marriage.  If you don’t then you may be taking advantage of them, and don’t be surprised if they wind up feeling like a third wheel.

Many times couples allow their marriage to fall the wayside, for other things in life.  Putting your marriage first and your relationship with that other person above all else, and realizing what a blessing a marriage is will signicantly help your marriage.  Letting your wife you know that she is as special to you now as she was the day you married her, if not more so, can really turn around a failing marriage.  It does take some work, and I must tell you about this movie called FIREPROOF that I saw recently, and how it really made me realize how important my marriage really is.  This movie goes through many of the issues that a marriage can face, and how it is easy to get caught up in your marriage problems and believe that the only solution is divorce.  Some issues make us feel hard and cold toward the other person and over time these can wind up being the only feelings you have toward the other person.  That is the time that you need to dig down deep and figure out not only what you can do to change things, but to pull out that love that you once had in your heart for that other person.  Turning to any outside sources to fill the holes in your marriage won’t work, so it is important to realize that if you want to direct your energy, then direct it back into your marriage not outside of it.

I think that you will find this movie to be not only a good film, but one that provides much insight into marriage and some of the issues that married couples are facing today.  It is a very frank film, but one that speaks straight to the heart. It is a true marriage counseling film.

For many men, as soon as they hear the word marriage counseling, they run in the other direction.  It seems to be that in most relationships, the women want to address their marriage problems and the men just want to ignore it all.  The belief is that this is because men don’t want to deal with their feelings, and I am not sure that is really the reason.  I think that it is mostly because men want to deal with their feelings, however they don’t want to deal with their feelings in front of someone else.  They are afraid that they will be embarassed and humiliated and they don’t want a stranger looking in on that.  But marriage counseling can provide some things that you may not have thought of:

1.  It shows your spouse that you are serious about trying to make your marriage work, and that you really do care about them and their feelings.

2.  It provdes a safe environment with rules for hashing through your marital issues.  Having someone to make sure that the communication is done in an honest and fair way so as not to be perceived as an attack is a very important.  This can actually help you get your problems resolved more quickly.

3.  Having a trained marriage counselor listening to what you are saying may help you figure out the underlying issues behind the “you leave your dirty socks on the floor” kinds of things that people take to marriage counseling.

4.  Couples counseling can be combined with individual counseling for a deeper look into your own issues as well as your marriage problems.  Many times we have unresolved issues from our past that we bring into our relationship, and taking a look at these can sometimes make everything a little clearer.

If your wife is telling you that she wants to go to marriage counseling, what she is really saying is that she wants the two of you to work on your marriage, so don’t turn a deaf ear.  This is her way of letting you know that there is work to be done.  Be open to the idea and to turning your marriage around before it is too late.

The best marriages on the planet are those in which the partners are friends.  But being a friend to your spouse can be difficult, if you are not mature enough to handle it.  It is my personal feeling that married couples should share just about everything.  The reason I am saying just about everything is that there are some things that if they are said are just hurtful and serve no purpose in telling.  This does not include things like affairs or substance abuse problems, but more like little things like about how members of the opposite sex look to you.  Like I don’t want my husband to start drooling at some woman who walks past while we are having dinner together, nor do I want him to comment on her.  When we are together I want his focus and this is something that we both feel is appropriate.  However, I do know that my husband did not go blind the day we married and heck, sometimes a woman comes by that even I have to look at.

Ultimately, if you want to best relationship possible then you need to be able to share.  However, I am warning you men, that some women have not evolved to this place yet.  I personally feel that it is in my best interest to have an open relationship with my husband, and by open I mean communication wise.  It is important to know how they really feel and what they really think.  Don’t start this by just telling her everything you have been keeping from her off the bat, it is a gradual process, and is best started by her.  Allowing her to tell you things about her day, that normally would have set you off, like when I was at lunch today…Frank… and that’s it your saying, who is he, why were you at lunch with him.  Now you have shut down communication and the next time she has a story about Frank, you can be sure that you won’t be hearing it.  Reacting like this just creates distrust.  You can not keep another if they don’t want to be kept.  So stop thinking that she is cheating and just don’t think about it.  Trust is the best part of any relationship worth having.