What many people don’t realize is that life is what you make of it. This is true in a marriage as well. Living with another person is never simple. There are different beliefs, differences in opinion, not to mention the stresses of day to day living which tend to creep into your marriage and cause marriage problems when you are not looking. Some of the mistakes that cause people to seek out marriage counseling can be more simply solved by looking at your relationship and assessing what it really happening. The following is a guide to communication to help you realize and change your communication to better serve a healthier relationship.

1. The parent-child marriage. This is an issue in which one partner is acting as the grown up and the other is acting as the child. Many times the relationship doesn’t start out this way, however over the years one partner may take over the dominant role causing the other to become more submissive. These relationships don’t usually succeed, because one feels the pressure of always being in charge, while the other one feels like the inferior partner, always being told what to do and where to go. This can really hurt your relationship.

2. Parent-parent Marriage - This where both parties take on both roles and there is a major power struggle in these households. Marriages like this tend to involve a lot of fighting and therefore this is just counterproductive.

3. Child-child Marriage - In this marriage, everyone is being selfish and trying to get what is their’s the important thing to remember is that this is also counterproductive, and causes a lot of fighting, but usually is exhibited in passive aggressive behaviors as opposed to actual confrontational fighting.

4. Adult-Adult Marriage - This is the ideal relationship for a married couple, and also prevents more marriage problems. In a relationship in which two people are working together and meeting each other’s needs and their own makes for the healthiest type of marriage.

Many times we allow the holidays to become a very stressful time.  We run around doing and going without giving much thought to it all.  The holidays can be much more than this if you allow it.  It can be a very romantic time, a time to reconnect with your family and especially with your spouse.  Doing little things for the holiday that leave you some time for romance can be the best option.  Instead of worrying about purchasing stuff for your spouse for the holiday, look for ways that you can spend quality time and reconnect a little.  Bank on the fact that holidays bring up nostalgia for all of us, and use it as a time to reminisce about your holidays past.  Look at pictures from yesterday, or do something for your spouse to let them know that you remember something special from their childhood or from a similar holiday spent together.  Sometimes one of the best things we can do is look back at our history together to regain those loving memories and feelings of the past.  This can actually help you look at your spouse with new eyes, or maybe old ones.

Use the holidays as an opportunity for love and you will find that your marriage problems will vanish as you reconnect to the love you had once upon a time.

My programs for men are a wonderful alternative to marriage counseling. Most people believe that marriage counseling can really help you with the core issues in your marriage. Couples who decide to see a marriage counselor often wind up yelling at each other about the laundry and dishes, when in fact their anger has absolutely nothing to do with what they are fighting about. The problem most couples have is that they are living separate lives and spend very little time communicating with each other. Jobs, children, friends, relatives, all become a priority and the marriage is somewhere at the bottom of the list. It is very easy to become distracted with day to day issues, but sitting down for just 30 minutes a day with your spouse instead of a stranger, can make you feel close and connected again. It is important to put the children to bed, turn off the TV and computer and ignore the home phone, cell phone and Blackberry. This should be quality time that is spent exclusively together with no interruptions. You don’t need to communicate your wants and needs to a third party. You don’t need to pay someone to sit and listen to you, repeat what you have just said and validate your feelings. You need to do that with your spouse! I know this seems like such a simple solution to your very complicated problems but if you will carve out 30 minutes of quality time, you’ll see your marriage change overnight. You show me a couple who has a great sex life in the bedroom and I’ll bet that is the same couple who spends time talking and connecting outside
of the bedroom.

Many people are looking for the keys to a healthy, happy marriage.  Here are some things that can certainly help your marriage.

1.  Don’t ever go to bed angry.  Try to work things out before you go to sleep.  If you can’t do this then try to wake up and look at the new day as a fresh start.  Don’t hold onto the argument into the next day, this can be very detrimental.

2.  Go out of your way to compliment your spouse every day whether you feel like it or not.  It is important not only as it effects your spouse and their self esteem, but it also helps reinforce to you why you are with that person and what makes them valuable to you.

3.  Communicate with your spouse, not just about what they are doing wrong or how you are feeling, but about everything.  Making your spouse your best friend, is what will best allow your marriage to flourish.

4.  Work together.  Be the compliment of one another.  If she likes to do the car repairs and you would rather do the laundry, then so be it.  The happier you are together the better you will work together, and what you will find is that working together toward a common objective helps build the relationship.

5.  Work on and address financial matters together.  Finances are such a big part of a marriage, and most couples with marriage problems seek counseling for their financial issues.  Having a solid financial plan that you are working on together can make all the difference.

6.  Put your spouse on the top of the list.  Put them ahead of friends, kids, and your family of origin and don’t just put them there, but make it obvious that you are there for them first.  This can make a big difference in your marriage.  If you don’t then you may be taking advantage of them, and don’t be surprised if they wind up feeling like a third wheel.

Many times couples allow their marriage to fall the wayside, for other things in life.  Putting your marriage first and your relationship with that other person above all else, and realizing what a blessing a marriage is will signicantly help your marriage.  Letting your wife you know that she is as special to you now as she was the day you married her, if not more so, can really turn around a failing marriage.  It does take some work, and I must tell you about this movie called FIREPROOF that I saw recently, and how it really made me realize how important my marriage really is.  This movie goes through many of the issues that a marriage can face, and how it is easy to get caught up in your marriage problems and believe that the only solution is divorce.  Some issues make us feel hard and cold toward the other person and over time these can wind up being the only feelings you have toward the other person.  That is the time that you need to dig down deep and figure out not only what you can do to change things, but to pull out that love that you once had in your heart for that other person.  Turning to any outside sources to fill the holes in your marriage won’t work, so it is important to realize that if you want to direct your energy, then direct it back into your marriage not outside of it.

I think that you will find this movie to be not only a good film, but one that provides much insight into marriage and some of the issues that married couples are facing today.  It is a very frank film, but one that speaks straight to the heart. It is a true marriage counseling film.

In relationships, there are some issues that seem to effect both men and women.  Many times they try to pretend to be something they are not, only to let their real selves shine through after the wedding, leading to disappointment and despair.  It is important that even in the beginning of a relationship that you are yourself.  Sure you want to put your best food forward, however don’t pretend to like things that you don’t and don’t pretend to be someone that you aren’t.  Many times this is the cause of many marriage problems down the line.  It is not that the woman doesn’t like who you are, but she doesn’t really know who you are.  Many relationships seem to magically change, once they become marriages, and the reason for this is that now you feel free to be who you are.  The truth is if you both were honest about who you were from the beginning then after marriage this should stay the same, no surprises. The other reason that there are issues right after marriage is that once you actually take that walk down the isle, then you each begin to treat each like family instead of like they are a special person to be cherished.  Make sure if you are planning to marry or have recently gotten married that you continue to romance each other and cherish one another, this will make all the difference in your marriage down the road.

Many couples wind up in marriage counseling in the first two years of marriage because of just these issues.  A significant change in your relationship should not occur, but it may take some work on both of your parts to make sure that you stay as much in love after the wedding as you were before it.

we feel happ

For many men, as soon as they hear the word marriage counseling, they run in the other direction.  It seems to be that in most relationships, the women want to address their marriage problems and the men just want to ignore it all.  The belief is that this is because men don’t want to deal with their feelings, and I am not sure that is really the reason.  I think that it is mostly because men want to deal with their feelings, however they don’t want to deal with their feelings in front of someone else.  They are afraid that they will be embarassed and humiliated and they don’t want a stranger looking in on that.  But marriage counseling can provide some things that you may not have thought of:

1.  It shows your spouse that you are serious about trying to make your marriage work, and that you really do care about them and their feelings.

2.  It provdes a safe environment with rules for hashing through your marital issues.  Having someone to make sure that the communication is done in an honest and fair way so as not to be perceived as an attack is a very important.  This can actually help you get your problems resolved more quickly.

3.  Having a trained marriage counselor listening to what you are saying may help you figure out the underlying issues behind the “you leave your dirty socks on the floor” kinds of things that people take to marriage counseling.

4.  Couples counseling can be combined with individual counseling for a deeper look into your own issues as well as your marriage problems.  Many times we have unresolved issues from our past that we bring into our relationship, and taking a look at these can sometimes make everything a little clearer.

If your wife is telling you that she wants to go to marriage counseling, what she is really saying is that she wants the two of you to work on your marriage, so don’t turn a deaf ear.  This is her way of letting you know that there is work to be done.  Be open to the idea and to turning your marriage around before it is too late.

The one thing that sets aside the marital relationship from every other relationship that we have in our lives is the sexual component.  We all want a multi-faceted relationship with our spouse, however without the sexual component it is the equivalent of every other room mate situation or every other friendship that we have.  Sex is not just a physical act, it is an emotionally and mentally charged event that incorporates the physical love into a connection that is beyond spiritual.  This is the reason that sex is so important to the marital relationship, it is a connection and a bond that is shared on an intimate level between two people.

Many couples seem to be struggling to realize the importance of intercourse in their marriage.  With responsibilities taking hold, and so many things to do and places to go, more and more couples are living out platonic existances, not because they don’t love each other, but because by the time they slow down in their lives they are darn near exhaustion and ready to drop.  So what needs to be done to stop this trend is to reprioritize.  Just like laundry, dishes, and toothbrushing, you must schedule sex in.  Most couples think that this is just too much.  They don’t want to have sex on schedule, they want to have sex when they are in the mood.  So ask yourself…”When was the last time I was in the mood?” and for the most part, you probably can remember.  Reignigting your sex life, is important and to do this you must have sex with your wife, like it or not.  If you continue to live out a platonic relationship, then one or the other of you will find yourself having an affair before long, because sexual urges are natural feelings.  So make more time for your spouse, and for sex.  Put it on the calander and stick to it.  This doesn’t mean that you have to have sex everytime you are together, but use this time for intimacy and closeness, and you may find that your sexual urges are still lurking underneath it all.

The best marriages on the planet are those in which the partners are friends.  But being a friend to your spouse can be difficult, if you are not mature enough to handle it.  It is my personal feeling that married couples should share just about everything.  The reason I am saying just about everything is that there are some things that if they are said are just hurtful and serve no purpose in telling.  This does not include things like affairs or substance abuse problems, but more like little things like about how members of the opposite sex look to you.  Like I don’t want my husband to start drooling at some woman who walks past while we are having dinner together, nor do I want him to comment on her.  When we are together I want his focus and this is something that we both feel is appropriate.  However, I do know that my husband did not go blind the day we married and heck, sometimes a woman comes by that even I have to look at.

Ultimately, if you want to best relationship possible then you need to be able to share.  However, I am warning you men, that some women have not evolved to this place yet.  I personally feel that it is in my best interest to have an open relationship with my husband, and by open I mean communication wise.  It is important to know how they really feel and what they really think.  Don’t start this by just telling her everything you have been keeping from her off the bat, it is a gradual process, and is best started by her.  Allowing her to tell you things about her day, that normally would have set you off, like when I was at lunch today…Frank… and that’s it your saying, who is he, why were you at lunch with him.  Now you have shut down communication and the next time she has a story about Frank, you can be sure that you won’t be hearing it.  Reacting like this just creates distrust.  You can not keep another if they don’t want to be kept.  So stop thinking that she is cheating and just don’t think about it.  Trust is the best part of any relationship worth having.

May and Kevin had been sweethearts from the time they met in high school.  Kevin was always in the lead and May always just did things according to Kevin’s lead.  Perhaps because they started out very young in their relationship, May was fine with the way things were, and Kevin too, after all, this is what they were used to.  Well, the continued on through their lives having their ups and downs.  Three wonderful children, and a modest, but good life, they met each crisis together.  As the children got a little older, they didn’t need as much from May as they did when they were younger, and May a stay at home Mom found herself with more time on her hands.  She took on some house projects and found that she had a real flare for interior design.  She decided that she liked this field so much that she wanted to go to school for it.  Kevin was a bit resistant to the whole idea, being used to May always there to care for him, wasn’t really sure that he wanted her out there in the world.  He was skeptical, but he gave in.  After a few months of taking classes, May was in finals week, and she was really stressed.  She wasn’t around to make dinners, the house was disheveled and Kevin was not very happy with this arrangement.  May explained to him that it was just going to be a week and then finals would be over and things would return to normal.

As he sat on the couch, alone, eating a frozen dinner and watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, he was frustrated and missed his wife and wanted her at home with him.  He began to think back to when they first got married and how May was left at home with 3 small children all day and well into the evening, while he pursued his own career and thought to himself, she did it for me.

Instead of getting upset, he knew that May would roll in exhausted after a hard night of studying and decided that she deserved to be treated like the princess she is.  Sure he was no marriage counselor, but he knew that he needed to show that he supported her.  He put on some soft music, drew her a bath and lit some candles.  When she arrived home, she was completely overwhelmed.  He told her to go ahead in the bathroom and take a bath and he would bring her some tea.  He told her to get some rest and proceeded to go to sleep in the guest room so he wouldn’t disturb her when he awoke in the morning.

May went on to get her degree in interior design, and Kevin continued to support her.  Although, their relationship is different than it was before both feel it has changed for the better.  They have been married for 32 years.