May and Kevin had been sweethearts from the time they met in high school.  Kevin was always in the lead and May always just did things according to Kevin’s lead.  Perhaps because they started out very young in their relationship, May was fine with the way things were, and Kevin too, after all, this is what they were used to.  Well, the continued on through their lives having their ups and downs.  Three wonderful children, and a modest, but good life, they met each crisis together.  As the children got a little older, they didn’t need as much from May as they did when they were younger, and May a stay at home Mom found herself with more time on her hands.  She took on some house projects and found that she had a real flare for interior design.  She decided that she liked this field so much that she wanted to go to school for it.  Kevin was a bit resistant to the whole idea, being used to May always there to care for him, wasn’t really sure that he wanted her out there in the world.  He was skeptical, but he gave in.  After a few months of taking classes, May was in finals week, and she was really stressed.  She wasn’t around to make dinners, the house was disheveled and Kevin was not very happy with this arrangement.  May explained to him that it was just going to be a week and then finals would be over and things would return to normal.

As he sat on the couch, alone, eating a frozen dinner and watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, he was frustrated and missed his wife and wanted her at home with him.  He began to think back to when they first got married and how May was left at home with 3 small children all day and well into the evening, while he pursued his own career and thought to himself, she did it for me.

Instead of getting upset, he knew that May would roll in exhausted after a hard night of studying and decided that she deserved to be treated like the princess she is.  Sure he was no marriage counselor, but he knew that he needed to show that he supported her.  He put on some soft music, drew her a bath and lit some candles.  When she arrived home, she was completely overwhelmed.  He told her to go ahead in the bathroom and take a bath and he would bring her some tea.  He told her to get some rest and proceeded to go to sleep in the guest room so he wouldn’t disturb her when he awoke in the morning.

May went on to get her degree in interior design, and Kevin continued to support her.  Although, their relationship is different than it was before both feel it has changed for the better.  They have been married for 32 years.

One of the facts that many times is overlooked, is that living together is not a guarantee of a successful marriage.  Many marriage counselors believe that it is in the act of marriage that we transition our loved one into family status, and begin treating them as family instead of as a love interest.  In doing this many couples lose that spark that thing that made them feel so special and so attracted to that other person.  In other words, instead of being that someone special, on their wedding day many couples begin thinking and acting like their spouse is just one of the family.  This for many couples is the beginning of the end.

Perhaps, we just don’t treat our family members with the same respect that we treat other people in our lives, or maybe it is just we think that we can take them for granted because after all, we are family.  They can’t divorce us, can’t rid themselves of us, but yet a spouse can and will if we don’t live up to the expectations they have for us.

Instead of treating them as a fixture in our lives, perhaps we should be treating them as the treasured airloom that they are.  Giving them that place of highest honor and respect.  Using nice manners and always respecting them, whether they are present or not.  I know that most of us don’t mean to take our spouses for granted, yet somehow over time it just happens.

So let’s try and get back to the basics.  Treat your wife with respect and like she is a gift and I am sure that the favor will be returned.  Learning to appreciate what we have is one of the basic principles of life, and this rule can not only solve marriage problems, but many other problems in life as well.

Human beings are sexual by nature and under normal circumstances have a healthy interest in a sexual relationship.  These days, with stress levels rising, more and more couples are having less sex, and the answers as to why sound like this: “We are too tired at night”…”Our schedules don’t allow for it”…”Too tense, stressed or worried”…”I have too much on my mind”… All of these may actually be the reason, or what these couples believe are the reasons that they aren’t having sex, however a marital relationship also needs to be a sexual one.  Without sex, it is merely a friendship, which is fine, however the physical intimacy really seals the deal and is the glue of the marriage.  So how can you bring back that aspect of your relationship?

Honestly, there are somethings that you can do to enhance your sex life, and to build it up, however if issues like being too tired and too stressed are really the only things that are stopping you from having sex, then have you thought about a couples exercise program.  Exercise can increase blood flow, energy, and even let you sleep better at night.  It can get the endorphines going again, and if done together can not only improve your health and attitude, but also your relationship.  You may even find that exercising together gets you both in the mood.

If you are experiencing marriage problems that go deeper than this, then obviously marriage counseling may be necessary, however if you are just too tired and stressed to have sex, then perhaps getting your blood pumping is all you need to get your marriage back on track, and your health too.

Marriage counseling has its benefits, however it really only works if you are both willing to work through the issues and make compromises.  For some married couples they have reached a place of anger and hostility that leaves them feeling hopeless, desperate, and ready to give up.  For these couples, who can barely look at each other, marriage counseling is probably the only answer as they could not work from this place and move forward, mostly because they are still hanging on to all their past baggage, and are not willing to let go of it for any reason.  They feel they are justified in their anger, and forgiveness is the furthest thought from their minds.

But what if you are not in this place yet? What if you are realizing that your marriage could be better, but are not to the point of wanting to kill the other person then you may be able to work things out on your own.  For instance there are a lot of self help tools out there, great ones like Light Your Fire, that can help you figure out where to start.  The first thing that you must do is open up communication with your spouse.  Always try to do this in a very non-threating setting, and talk about your feelings and not what they are or aren’t doing, this will only make them defensive.  Opening up the communication is a good place to start.

Personally, I have taken this advice to heart.  And the thing that I find is that the harder I work and being polite, using manners, talking calmly and working together on issues, the more he is working on it as well.  Together just over the past few weeks, we are communicating more, fighting less, and being not only more respectful but more considerate of each other.  I think sometimes it is easy to have things like being polite fall by the wayside while you are living with someone year after year.

I have also been making sure that I acknowledge him as he has been taking on more responsibility around the house and with the kids.  I keep making sure that he knows that I not only notice what he is doing but I appreciate it.

It is a new year and a great time for a new start.  Take this opportunity to turn your marriage around and make it better.  Whether that is on your own or with a marriage counselor.  It will be a worthwhile investment that you will be glad you made.

Many times in a marriage the trust gets broken.  Most of the time this is due to lying and or an affair that leaves either you or your partner left feeling hurt and betrayed, and feelings of anger and fear rise to the top and result in calling after each other and checking up.  In a sense the person who has been betrayed is in essence waiting for the other person to mess up.

Jake and Monica had been married for many years, and they always had a good relationship.  They talked to each other about everything and were really friends.  After the birth of their new baby Sarah, Monica became overwhelmed with being a mom and Jake began to take interest in a woman at work, Faith.  He would tell Monica that he was working late, and then go to dinner and so forth with Faith.  For months, Monica was suspicious, but since Jake had never lied to her before, she really didn’t think her suspicions were right.  Then one night when Sarah was being extremely fussy, she decided to take her for a ride in the car to put her to sleep, and happened upon Jake and Faith sitting in his car together parked on the side of the road.  Needless to say, when he came home they had it out, and he agreed to stop seeing Faith and they agreed to go into marriage counseling.  Monica started continuously calling after Jake very frequently and Jake became frustrated.  He said that he told her the truth and that he wasn’t seeing Faith anymore.  The marriage counselor explained to Jake that although Monica still loved him and wanted to work things out, that now she needed constant reassurance that he wasn’t lying to her again, and that would just take time to earn back.  In other words, just because she forgave him, did not mean that she could just go back to trusting him again.

Once the trust is broken, it takes time to heal.  Marriage counseling and other resources can be extremely helpful, but it still takes time to repair what is broken.  Don’t fret though, if both parties are willing to work at it your marriage can actually be better than ever, even after infidelity.

The one thing that I have found out about myself, is that I don’t give people the praise they deserve often enough.  It is very easy to begin to take your spouse for granted after years of marriage, and to just assume that they know how you feel about them.  Everyone needs a pat on the back for a job well done, and your wife is no different.  Just thinking that she knows how you feel about her and what she is doing for you is not enough, she needs to hear it.  She needs you to tell her how wonderful you think that she is, how beautiful she is, or how much you love her.  In addition to those things though, make sure you are thanking her for the little things that she is doing each day.  Don’t just assume that she needs to do these things, but show your gratitude and thanks.  If she brings you a cup of coffee when you first wake up in the morning, tell her thank you.  Let her know that you truly appreciate all that she does to keep your household running.

Take time to compliment the little things and to notice them.  Perhaps she reorganized something, or really cleaned a room up, you need to let her know how good it looks and how much you appreciate her hard work.  By doing this, you will not only improve your marriage, but you will also find that she will probably begin to compliment you more as well.  Working together as a team, can help squash many marriage problems, and it all begins with letting your partner know how much you value and appreciate all they do in the relationship.  This creates an encouraging, nurturing environment and can help you be a more effective team.  Don’t take your wife for granted anymore, start complimenting her today, and you will see that it will create a whole new atmosphere in your home, it truly will.

Many men become increasingly frustrated when their wife isn’t in the mood.  They take this as a rejection and they become very hurt and resentful.  This can be the source of some serious marriage problems.

First it must be understood that men and women look at their sexual relationship differently.  Men use it as a way to give and receive love.  They believe that by making love to their wife, that they are not only showing her that they love her, but she is showing him that she loves him back.

Next, it must be understood that although women want to show their man that they love them, most women feel that they do this by doing nice things for them, and that sex is just something that you do when you are in the mood and not to show love.

Also, it must be acknowledged that many women are not aware of the fact that men use sex to measure love, so the best thing that you can do is to tell your wife just that.  Don’t be afraid to tell her that when she repeatedly rejects your sexual advances, this makes you feel that she doesn’t love and care about you, and that leaves you feeling hurt, sad and frustrated.

I know that many men think that this sounds a bit corny, but I can truly assure you that most women, don’t realize what they are saying by not having sex with you.  Letting them know how that makes you feel and why it is important to you, can make all the difference in your sex life and in your marriage.

The holiday time is a great time to let your wife know how much you care.  Most people, even when they are in the midst of marriage problems, don’t really want the tensions to be there.  They may be angry at the other person and think that they won’t even bother to get the their spouse a gift this year, however, choosing the right gift can let your wife know that you still care.  Doing this may break through some of the tensions of the past year, and help you start the new year on a whole new foot.  Don’t get me wrong, it won’t fix everything, but letting her know that you still love her and want to work things out, can make a huge impact, especially if you have been closed off to doing things like going to marriage counseling in the past.  Now maybe you want to work things out, but don’t want to go to a marriage counselor.  There are other things that you can do, some of the suggestions are in the Light Her Fire book.  Things like creating an evening of taking care of just her needs.  This can do a lot to show her you care.  It is not a matter of spending a lot of money, that will not be what will impress her.  What will impress her is you taking the time to make her feel special and investing the energy in reaching out to her.  If she has a special interest, then you may want to purchase tickets to an event that she will enjoy and take her for a nice evening.  You may want to buy a self help book for her and read it first, telling her you want to change things.  There are lots of wonderful ways to let her know that above all else you want to work things out and that you want to make changes.  This means showing flexibility in an area that you have been rigid in for a long time.

Chasity writes: “Robert and I had been slowly falling into a pit.  Our marriage didn’t hit the rocks, it just gradually drifted onto the shore.  Neither of us really saw it coming.  I didn’t even think that he knew that I wasn’t happy.  I really thought that he was okay with going down this same path, mundane, day after day, just co-existing.  On Christmas eve, we exchanged our gifts to each other as we always had.  I was amazed when I opened up the Light Your Fire series.  Even more amazed that not only was this what I wanted, and what we needed, but even more amazed that Robert had already listened to the first tape.  I was thrilled that he saw our problems too, and even more thrilled that he wanted things to change.  It was the best gift that I have ever gotten from Robert, and the series has not only been able to save my marriage, but to make it stronger.  We have grown together as a couple and I can’t say enough about the changes it has made for us.  We are now like newlyweds all over again, and after 27 years of marriage that is really saying a lot!”

One of the biggest things that stands out to me as far as marriage problems go, is that most couples spend most of their time functioning as two individuals instead of one unit.  Somewhere along the line, they either stop working together, or have never really found the perfect game plan for working together on the issues.  So how can you really get passed this.  Well, the biggest key is to stop looking at the individuals and start looking at the team.  This does not mean that you need to lose the individuals, but when a team has a problem, it must be carefully thought out and addressed as a team problem.

Work together like your family is your team and you and your wife are co-coaches trying to set up game plans and use everyone’s strengths to the benefit of the team.  Sitting down together and discussing goals and plans and coming up with effective solutions that can be implemented together is the best way to address your marriage issues and avoid blame.  Rather than saying you did this, say I see a problem here, and I think that we should sit down and work out a reasonable solution.

This will take the charge out of the situation and will let your partner know that you want to work together towards a solution.

Recently, I got to see an interview with Will Smith on television.  He had a lot to say, but the one thing that he talks about is his marriage.  Now here is a couple with a wonderful family and of course, plenty of money.  What struck me is the fact that over and over again he talks about having a successful marriage.  He says that being married is one of the most difficult things you will do in life, and that it is his philosophy that in order to succeed you need to think about getting divorced as not an option.  In other words, he says that if you leave divorce as an option in your mind then whenever the going gets tough, and there will be tough times, then eventually you will choose that option.

His point is that if you have no choice but to work through the issues at hand, then you will find a way to do it.  Well, honestly Will raises some really good points.  Marriage is absolutely a commitment, and if you ask anyone who has been married for a long time, they will tell you about the troubles that they have had along the way.  Marriage problems are not uncommon, however couples who are willing to really dig their heels in and do the work to get their marriage back on track are.  Sometimes, it is all you can do just to focus on the commitment that you made to one another.  It is important to acknowledge that you made that commitment and that you are going to do whatever you can do to honor it.

Marriage counseling can be helpful, but it is much more effective with two people who are willing to do whatever it takes to stay together.  Working through the tough times together will give you more strength as a couple in the future.