May and Kevin had been sweethearts from the time they met in high school.  Kevin was always in the lead and May always just did things according to Kevin’s lead.  Perhaps because they started out very young in their relationship, May was fine with the way things were, and Kevin too, after all, this is what they were used to.  Well, the continued on through their lives having their ups and downs.  Three wonderful children, and a modest, but good life, they met each crisis together.  As the children got a little older, they didn’t need as much from May as they did when they were younger, and May a stay at home Mom found herself with more time on her hands.  She took on some house projects and found that she had a real flare for interior design.  She decided that she liked this field so much that she wanted to go to school for it.  Kevin was a bit resistant to the whole idea, being used to May always there to care for him, wasn’t really sure that he wanted her out there in the world.  He was skeptical, but he gave in.  After a few months of taking classes, May was in finals week, and she was really stressed.  She wasn’t around to make dinners, the house was disheveled and Kevin was not very happy with this arrangement.  May explained to him that it was just going to be a week and then finals would be over and things would return to normal.

As he sat on the couch, alone, eating a frozen dinner and watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, he was frustrated and missed his wife and wanted her at home with him.  He began to think back to when they first got married and how May was left at home with 3 small children all day and well into the evening, while he pursued his own career and thought to himself, she did it for me.

Instead of getting upset, he knew that May would roll in exhausted after a hard night of studying and decided that she deserved to be treated like the princess she is.  Sure he was no marriage counselor, but he knew that he needed to show that he supported her.  He put on some soft music, drew her a bath and lit some candles.  When she arrived home, she was completely overwhelmed.  He told her to go ahead in the bathroom and take a bath and he would bring her some tea.  He told her to get some rest and proceeded to go to sleep in the guest room so he wouldn’t disturb her when he awoke in the morning.

May went on to get her degree in interior design, and Kevin continued to support her.  Although, their relationship is different than it was before both feel it has changed for the better.  They have been married for 32 years.

The holiday time is a great time to let your wife know how much you care.  Most people, even when they are in the midst of marriage problems, don’t really want the tensions to be there.  They may be angry at the other person and think that they won’t even bother to get the their spouse a gift this year, however, choosing the right gift can let your wife know that you still care.  Doing this may break through some of the tensions of the past year, and help you start the new year on a whole new foot.  Don’t get me wrong, it won’t fix everything, but letting her know that you still love her and want to work things out, can make a huge impact, especially if you have been closed off to doing things like going to marriage counseling in the past.  Now maybe you want to work things out, but don’t want to go to a marriage counselor.  There are other things that you can do, some of the suggestions are in the Light Her Fire book.  Things like creating an evening of taking care of just her needs.  This can do a lot to show her you care.  It is not a matter of spending a lot of money, that will not be what will impress her.  What will impress her is you taking the time to make her feel special and investing the energy in reaching out to her.  If she has a special interest, then you may want to purchase tickets to an event that she will enjoy and take her for a nice evening.  You may want to buy a self help book for her and read it first, telling her you want to change things.  There are lots of wonderful ways to let her know that above all else you want to work things out and that you want to make changes.  This means showing flexibility in an area that you have been rigid in for a long time.

Chasity writes: “Robert and I had been slowly falling into a pit.  Our marriage didn’t hit the rocks, it just gradually drifted onto the shore.  Neither of us really saw it coming.  I didn’t even think that he knew that I wasn’t happy.  I really thought that he was okay with going down this same path, mundane, day after day, just co-existing.  On Christmas eve, we exchanged our gifts to each other as we always had.  I was amazed when I opened up the Light Your Fire series.  Even more amazed that not only was this what I wanted, and what we needed, but even more amazed that Robert had already listened to the first tape.  I was thrilled that he saw our problems too, and even more thrilled that he wanted things to change.  It was the best gift that I have ever gotten from Robert, and the series has not only been able to save my marriage, but to make it stronger.  We have grown together as a couple and I can’t say enough about the changes it has made for us.  We are now like newlyweds all over again, and after 27 years of marriage that is really saying a lot!”

Even in the best relationship, your wife will compare how you react to her with how you react with others.  She will be constantly sizing herself up.  If she is hearing fond stories about the cute things that your ex did, or how you wish she cooked more like your mother does, she is going to feel that she is not good enough, or enough of what you want.

Keep in mind that your comments may not be this obvious, but even little innuendos that cause her to think that there is another woman in your life who even comes close to her, can actually cause some serious marriage problems.  You may think that this is a small issue, however your wife wants to know that you are happy with your decision to make her your wife, and that there is no one else in the world that could even come close to her.

You can do this by looking carefully at all the wonderful things that your wife brings to your life and your world.  There are reasons why you chose to marry her and to spend your life with her.  That is what you need to focus on and compliment her on.  Tell her every day the reasons that you love her, and that you appreciate all that she brings to your life.  If love is in your heart and in your mind, then all else will come together.

Next time you come home to a messy house and no dinner, acknowledge that is because your wife was taking care of the kids.  Then tell her that she is a wonderful and caring mother, and that you are so glad that she is mother to your children.  Then you and the kids can pick up the house and call for take out.  Sometimes you need to focus on all the good and none of the bad.

If there is one thing that your wife wants from you, it is to feel that she is the number one person in your life.  Many times conflicts in marriage can lead to a need for marriage counseling, but being aware of this fact, can turn things around.  Take this scenerio:

Mary is a working mom, she runs all day and comes home to kids, dinner, laundry, and so much more.  Hal comes home from work, usually about one hour after Mary, and when he does, he plops onto the couch.  When she asks him for help, he says that he is too tired, and sits watching the news frowning.  She believes that he is too tired from work, and doesn’t make a fuss, she just continues on and takes care of what needs to be done at home.  Then one night he comes in the door, all smiles telling Mary that he has been asked to go over to the neighbor’s to play cards with some of the guys.  Mary is thinking to herself, “Why is it that he has no energy when I ask for help, but he is happy to go out for the evening?” Whether he means it or not, Hal is telling Mary that she is not as important in his life as his friends are.

Many times we take our spouse for granted and put our own needs above theirs.  The problem is that when someone else wants or needs from us, we are more than willing to overextend to do for others.  Letting your wife know that she is your number one priority is something that can really help a marriage.  Put her on the top of your list instead of at the bottom and what you will find is that you will move up on her priority list as well.  She wants to be close with you, but she needs to feel that she matters to you, and you can let her know this by making time for her, to listen, to go out together, and to help her out.  These little things will let her know you care.  Then when the neighbor comes to call, you can say, “I am sorry, but I will be spending the evening with my wife.” Believe it or not this type of gesture will go a long way in showing your wife that she is on the very top of your list.