A good marriage is built on good communication.  Many couples experience marriage problems when the communication begins to break down.  One of the biggest problems in the communication of feuding couples is the blame game.  Everyone feels the need to put the fault on the other person.  This is why when many couples go to marriage counseling, they learn how to word what they are trying to say in phrases like “I feel” or “this hurts me”.  Doing this stops them from saying things like “you do this” or “you don’t do that”.

This does not mean that you need to squash your feelings or not talk about the things that are bothering you to save the other person’s feelings.  The reason for the change in the wording is very simple; When we feel that we are being blamed for something, we feel as if we are under attack, and so we defend.  When a person is defensive, they are ready to leap on every word, without listening for the true meaning underlying what is being said.  Once the words…you do this…come out, you may as well end the discussion right there, because the person is already on the defensive and no matter how nicely worded a war will most likely ensue.

Remember that it takes two to make a marriage work and two to make a marriage fail.  Working together for the greater good of the relationship, really needs to be the goal of both the husband and the wife, and the key to it all is effective communication without blame.

My programs for men are a wonderful alternative to marriage counseling. Most people believe that marriage counseling can really help you with the core issues in your marriage. Couples who decide to see a marriage counselor often wind up yelling at each other about the laundry and dishes, when in fact their anger has absolutely nothing to do with what they are fighting about. The problem most couples have is that they are living separate lives and spend very little time communicating with each other. Jobs, children, friends, relatives, all become a priority and the marriage is somewhere at the bottom of the list. It is very easy to become distracted with day to day issues, but sitting down for just 30 minutes a day with your spouse instead of a stranger, can make you feel close and connected again. It is important to put the children to bed, turn off the TV and computer and ignore the home phone, cell phone and Blackberry. This should be quality time that is spent exclusively together with no interruptions. You don’t need to communicate your wants and needs to a third party. You don’t need to pay someone to sit and listen to you, repeat what you have just said and validate your feelings. You need to do that with your spouse! I know this seems like such a simple solution to your very complicated problems but if you will carve out 30 minutes of quality time, you’ll see your marriage change overnight. You show me a couple who has a great sex life in the bedroom and I’ll bet that is the same couple who spends time talking and connecting outside
of the bedroom.

Many times couples allow their marriage to fall the wayside, for other things in life.  Putting your marriage first and your relationship with that other person above all else, and realizing what a blessing a marriage is will signicantly help your marriage.  Letting your wife you know that she is as special to you now as she was the day you married her, if not more so, can really turn around a failing marriage.  It does take some work, and I must tell you about this movie called FIREPROOF that I saw recently, and how it really made me realize how important my marriage really is.  This movie goes through many of the issues that a marriage can face, and how it is easy to get caught up in your marriage problems and believe that the only solution is divorce.  Some issues make us feel hard and cold toward the other person and over time these can wind up being the only feelings you have toward the other person.  That is the time that you need to dig down deep and figure out not only what you can do to change things, but to pull out that love that you once had in your heart for that other person.  Turning to any outside sources to fill the holes in your marriage won’t work, so it is important to realize that if you want to direct your energy, then direct it back into your marriage not outside of it.

I think that you will find this movie to be not only a good film, but one that provides much insight into marriage and some of the issues that married couples are facing today.  It is a very frank film, but one that speaks straight to the heart. It is a true marriage counseling film.

In relationships, there are some issues that seem to effect both men and women.  Many times they try to pretend to be something they are not, only to let their real selves shine through after the wedding, leading to disappointment and despair.  It is important that even in the beginning of a relationship that you are yourself.  Sure you want to put your best food forward, however don’t pretend to like things that you don’t and don’t pretend to be someone that you aren’t.  Many times this is the cause of many marriage problems down the line.  It is not that the woman doesn’t like who you are, but she doesn’t really know who you are.  Many relationships seem to magically change, once they become marriages, and the reason for this is that now you feel free to be who you are.  The truth is if you both were honest about who you were from the beginning then after marriage this should stay the same, no surprises. The other reason that there are issues right after marriage is that once you actually take that walk down the isle, then you each begin to treat each like family instead of like they are a special person to be cherished.  Make sure if you are planning to marry or have recently gotten married that you continue to romance each other and cherish one another, this will make all the difference in your marriage down the road.

Many couples wind up in marriage counseling in the first two years of marriage because of just these issues.  A significant change in your relationship should not occur, but it may take some work on both of your parts to make sure that you stay as much in love after the wedding as you were before it.

we feel happ

For many men, as soon as they hear the word marriage counseling, they run in the other direction.  It seems to be that in most relationships, the women want to address their marriage problems and the men just want to ignore it all.  The belief is that this is because men don’t want to deal with their feelings, and I am not sure that is really the reason.  I think that it is mostly because men want to deal with their feelings, however they don’t want to deal with their feelings in front of someone else.  They are afraid that they will be embarassed and humiliated and they don’t want a stranger looking in on that.  But marriage counseling can provide some things that you may not have thought of:

1.  It shows your spouse that you are serious about trying to make your marriage work, and that you really do care about them and their feelings.

2.  It provdes a safe environment with rules for hashing through your marital issues.  Having someone to make sure that the communication is done in an honest and fair way so as not to be perceived as an attack is a very important.  This can actually help you get your problems resolved more quickly.

3.  Having a trained marriage counselor listening to what you are saying may help you figure out the underlying issues behind the “you leave your dirty socks on the floor” kinds of things that people take to marriage counseling.

4.  Couples counseling can be combined with individual counseling for a deeper look into your own issues as well as your marriage problems.  Many times we have unresolved issues from our past that we bring into our relationship, and taking a look at these can sometimes make everything a little clearer.

If your wife is telling you that she wants to go to marriage counseling, what she is really saying is that she wants the two of you to work on your marriage, so don’t turn a deaf ear.  This is her way of letting you know that there is work to be done.  Be open to the idea and to turning your marriage around before it is too late.

Human beings are sexual by nature and under normal circumstances have a healthy interest in a sexual relationship.  These days, with stress levels rising, more and more couples are having less sex, and the answers as to why sound like this: “We are too tired at night”…”Our schedules don’t allow for it”…”Too tense, stressed or worried”…”I have too much on my mind”… All of these may actually be the reason, or what these couples believe are the reasons that they aren’t having sex, however a marital relationship also needs to be a sexual one.  Without sex, it is merely a friendship, which is fine, however the physical intimacy really seals the deal and is the glue of the marriage.  So how can you bring back that aspect of your relationship?

Honestly, there are somethings that you can do to enhance your sex life, and to build it up, however if issues like being too tired and too stressed are really the only things that are stopping you from having sex, then have you thought about a couples exercise program.  Exercise can increase blood flow, energy, and even let you sleep better at night.  It can get the endorphines going again, and if done together can not only improve your health and attitude, but also your relationship.  You may even find that exercising together gets you both in the mood.

If you are experiencing marriage problems that go deeper than this, then obviously marriage counseling may be necessary, however if you are just too tired and stressed to have sex, then perhaps getting your blood pumping is all you need to get your marriage back on track, and your health too.

Marriage counseling has its benefits, however it really only works if you are both willing to work through the issues and make compromises.  For some married couples they have reached a place of anger and hostility that leaves them feeling hopeless, desperate, and ready to give up.  For these couples, who can barely look at each other, marriage counseling is probably the only answer as they could not work from this place and move forward, mostly because they are still hanging on to all their past baggage, and are not willing to let go of it for any reason.  They feel they are justified in their anger, and forgiveness is the furthest thought from their minds.

But what if you are not in this place yet? What if you are realizing that your marriage could be better, but are not to the point of wanting to kill the other person then you may be able to work things out on your own.  For instance there are a lot of self help tools out there, great ones like Light Your Fire, that can help you figure out where to start.  The first thing that you must do is open up communication with your spouse.  Always try to do this in a very non-threating setting, and talk about your feelings and not what they are or aren’t doing, this will only make them defensive.  Opening up the communication is a good place to start.

Personally, I have taken this advice to heart.  And the thing that I find is that the harder I work and being polite, using manners, talking calmly and working together on issues, the more he is working on it as well.  Together just over the past few weeks, we are communicating more, fighting less, and being not only more respectful but more considerate of each other.  I think sometimes it is easy to have things like being polite fall by the wayside while you are living with someone year after year.

I have also been making sure that I acknowledge him as he has been taking on more responsibility around the house and with the kids.  I keep making sure that he knows that I not only notice what he is doing but I appreciate it.

It is a new year and a great time for a new start.  Take this opportunity to turn your marriage around and make it better.  Whether that is on your own or with a marriage counselor.  It will be a worthwhile investment that you will be glad you made.

Many times in a marriage the trust gets broken.  Most of the time this is due to lying and or an affair that leaves either you or your partner left feeling hurt and betrayed, and feelings of anger and fear rise to the top and result in calling after each other and checking up.  In a sense the person who has been betrayed is in essence waiting for the other person to mess up.

Jake and Monica had been married for many years, and they always had a good relationship.  They talked to each other about everything and were really friends.  After the birth of their new baby Sarah, Monica became overwhelmed with being a mom and Jake began to take interest in a woman at work, Faith.  He would tell Monica that he was working late, and then go to dinner and so forth with Faith.  For months, Monica was suspicious, but since Jake had never lied to her before, she really didn’t think her suspicions were right.  Then one night when Sarah was being extremely fussy, she decided to take her for a ride in the car to put her to sleep, and happened upon Jake and Faith sitting in his car together parked on the side of the road.  Needless to say, when he came home they had it out, and he agreed to stop seeing Faith and they agreed to go into marriage counseling.  Monica started continuously calling after Jake very frequently and Jake became frustrated.  He said that he told her the truth and that he wasn’t seeing Faith anymore.  The marriage counselor explained to Jake that although Monica still loved him and wanted to work things out, that now she needed constant reassurance that he wasn’t lying to her again, and that would just take time to earn back.  In other words, just because she forgave him, did not mean that she could just go back to trusting him again.

Once the trust is broken, it takes time to heal.  Marriage counseling and other resources can be extremely helpful, but it still takes time to repair what is broken.  Don’t fret though, if both parties are willing to work at it your marriage can actually be better than ever, even after infidelity.

The holiday time is a great time to let your wife know how much you care.  Most people, even when they are in the midst of marriage problems, don’t really want the tensions to be there.  They may be angry at the other person and think that they won’t even bother to get the their spouse a gift this year, however, choosing the right gift can let your wife know that you still care.  Doing this may break through some of the tensions of the past year, and help you start the new year on a whole new foot.  Don’t get me wrong, it won’t fix everything, but letting her know that you still love her and want to work things out, can make a huge impact, especially if you have been closed off to doing things like going to marriage counseling in the past.  Now maybe you want to work things out, but don’t want to go to a marriage counselor.  There are other things that you can do, some of the suggestions are in the Light Her Fire book.  Things like creating an evening of taking care of just her needs.  This can do a lot to show her you care.  It is not a matter of spending a lot of money, that will not be what will impress her.  What will impress her is you taking the time to make her feel special and investing the energy in reaching out to her.  If she has a special interest, then you may want to purchase tickets to an event that she will enjoy and take her for a nice evening.  You may want to buy a self help book for her and read it first, telling her you want to change things.  There are lots of wonderful ways to let her know that above all else you want to work things out and that you want to make changes.  This means showing flexibility in an area that you have been rigid in for a long time.

Chasity writes: “Robert and I had been slowly falling into a pit.  Our marriage didn’t hit the rocks, it just gradually drifted onto the shore.  Neither of us really saw it coming.  I didn’t even think that he knew that I wasn’t happy.  I really thought that he was okay with going down this same path, mundane, day after day, just co-existing.  On Christmas eve, we exchanged our gifts to each other as we always had.  I was amazed when I opened up the Light Your Fire series.  Even more amazed that not only was this what I wanted, and what we needed, but even more amazed that Robert had already listened to the first tape.  I was thrilled that he saw our problems too, and even more thrilled that he wanted things to change.  It was the best gift that I have ever gotten from Robert, and the series has not only been able to save my marriage, but to make it stronger.  We have grown together as a couple and I can’t say enough about the changes it has made for us.  We are now like newlyweds all over again, and after 27 years of marriage that is really saying a lot!”

Recently, I got to see an interview with Will Smith on television.  He had a lot to say, but the one thing that he talks about is his marriage.  Now here is a couple with a wonderful family and of course, plenty of money.  What struck me is the fact that over and over again he talks about having a successful marriage.  He says that being married is one of the most difficult things you will do in life, and that it is his philosophy that in order to succeed you need to think about getting divorced as not an option.  In other words, he says that if you leave divorce as an option in your mind then whenever the going gets tough, and there will be tough times, then eventually you will choose that option.

His point is that if you have no choice but to work through the issues at hand, then you will find a way to do it.  Well, honestly Will raises some really good points.  Marriage is absolutely a commitment, and if you ask anyone who has been married for a long time, they will tell you about the troubles that they have had along the way.  Marriage problems are not uncommon, however couples who are willing to really dig their heels in and do the work to get their marriage back on track are.  Sometimes, it is all you can do just to focus on the commitment that you made to one another.  It is important to acknowledge that you made that commitment and that you are going to do whatever you can do to honor it.

Marriage counseling can be helpful, but it is much more effective with two people who are willing to do whatever it takes to stay together.  Working through the tough times together will give you more strength as a couple in the future.