Living together and marriage, really what is the difference these days? With the divorce rate so high already, is it worth going through paying for a whole ceremony if you are only going to have to wind up paying again a few years down the road to undo it all.  Well, of course this is not the best way to look at marriage, but many couples are choosing to forgo the marriage vows, just to spare themselves a divorce down the road.  This is not perhaps the best idea, for several reasons.

1.  Living together, does not hold the same type of commitment that a marriage does.  Although, many people are not taking their marriage vows very seriously, there is a commitment to the other person in the eyes of God (depending on your beliefs), the eyes of your family and friends and the eyes of the law.

2.  Marriage secures certain rights and privileges that living together does not.  For instance, rights to assets accumulated, social security benefits, and health care coverage.  Living together does not normally allow for this type of sharing.

3.  It is better to be married with children involved.  This helps secure a better home life and family commitment that creates a more secure environment for the entire family.

4.  Marriage is a contract, a promise, that living together is not.  When marriage problems come up, even if you decided to split up, you must go through a whole process to get out of it.  Where couples who are living together can just pack and leave…end of story.

Remember every relationship is a commitment, but committing to marriage is one of the biggest gifts that you can give another person and they can give you.  The promise of loving each other through thick and thin, and a promise to be a lover, friend and life partner means that you at least intend for the relationship to last, and if you work hard at it, you can make it work.

Many believe that couples that have been together for many, many years, have just not faced the difficulties that those who have divorced have faced.  You might be surprised to learn that longevity in a marriage is not created by an absence of marriage problems, but by the actual marriage problems themselves.

Those couples have faced the obstacles of going broke, of infidelity, of anger and frustration, the absence of sex, the changing of roles, the child rearing years, the empty nest syndrome, and the retiring spouse.  They understand what you are going through, just ask them, because surely any couple who has stood the test of time, has truly emerged a healthier and happier couple, cemented by instead of being ripped apart by those harrowing life experiences.

Understand that the expression that “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”, is indeed true, not only of individual life experiences, but those that you face as a couple as well.  Growth comes from problem solving together, by recommitting to your spouse over and over again.  Understand that what ever the problems in your marriage currently, that you can turn things around, make a change, and work together towards resolution.  Open your heart, and in turn your spouse’s heart will open too.  Remember the commitment that you made to each other and the love that you once shared, even if it seems far removed from your heart right now, and find a way to reconnect and rebuild.  Working through your marriage problems together will help you experience a love connection like you have never before experienced, a deep emotional connection that just continues to grow over time.

Many times when first meeting someone, we tend to put our best foot forward, after all we want them to like us and to show us their approval.  Sometimes, though, when we are in this beginning “getting to know you” phase, we pretend to be something that we aren’t.  We pretend to like what the other person likes or do things that are out of character just to make an impression.  This is called the honeymoon phase of the relationship and this is just really the getting to know you phase.  The problem for many couples is that they go into marriage before they even really know each other.  Then after they marry they find out that they have different ideas and opinions about things.

Working together on your marriage may mean compromise, however it should not require you to check your own spirit at the door just to co-habitate with your spouse.  If you are doing this, you are living a lie.  Many men especially feel that it is best to avoid the argument or heated discussion in order to keep the peace.  In the short term, this method may be working, however in the long run, it will more than likely create marriage problems and a deep seeded resentment in the other person.

So don’t completely sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship.  Instead try and communicate your feelings and work to find a middle ground, and if at first you don’t succeed, then keep trying because marriage is a lifetime commitment and one that should not be taken lightly.

Sometimes things occur in a marriage or in life in general that may force you to be separated from your spouse for a while.  For some this is heading off to war, family issues, or even a separation due to marriage problems.  When you return after a significant absence, you may find it difficult to be around your spouse, and if the separation has been for a significant amount of time, this can be a totally normal process, and does not mean that you don’t love and care about each other, and does not mean that it is time for a divorce.  Keep in mind that human beings are dynamic and constantly being changed by their circumstances and surroundings.  As a person grows, they change and sometimes these changes can be significant, however, they usually don’t affect the core of who the person truly is and this is something to keep in mind when trying to reconnect.

Understand, that if you find your marriage is in this reconnection phase, that this is an opportunity for rebirth.  An opportunity to start anew rediscovering each other in ways that you never have before.  Just because you have been together for a while, doesn’t mean that this will be comfortable, but think of it as a way to court all over again.  Date, bring her flowers, and listen to what she says.  This is an opportunity to rediscover your love with this new person, and since you are starting fresh it is a new day.  Don’t be resentful of the changes you see, but embrace them and instead of seeing these changes as having taken something from you consider it as if you are getting to know someone new, because in essence, you truly are.

I write this especially for all those who are having to reconnect after separation due to the war.  Keep in mind that you are returning a new person, and your wife is probably a different person also, so don’t expect everything to be the same as it was.  It can still be good, just not exactly the same.

What many people don’t realize is that life is what you make of it. This is true in a marriage as well. Living with another person is never simple. There are different beliefs, differences in opinion, not to mention the stresses of day to day living which tend to creep into your marriage and cause marriage problems when you are not looking. Some of the mistakes that cause people to seek out marriage counseling can be more simply solved by looking at your relationship and assessing what it really happening. The following is a guide to communication to help you realize and change your communication to better serve a healthier relationship.

1. The parent-child marriage. This is an issue in which one partner is acting as the grown up and the other is acting as the child. Many times the relationship doesn’t start out this way, however over the years one partner may take over the dominant role causing the other to become more submissive. These relationships don’t usually succeed, because one feels the pressure of always being in charge, while the other one feels like the inferior partner, always being told what to do and where to go. This can really hurt your relationship.

2. Parent-parent Marriage - This where both parties take on both roles and there is a major power struggle in these households. Marriages like this tend to involve a lot of fighting and therefore this is just counterproductive.

3. Child-child Marriage - In this marriage, everyone is being selfish and trying to get what is their’s the important thing to remember is that this is also counterproductive, and causes a lot of fighting, but usually is exhibited in passive aggressive behaviors as opposed to actual confrontational fighting.

4. Adult-Adult Marriage - This is the ideal relationship for a married couple, and also prevents more marriage problems. In a relationship in which two people are working together and meeting each other’s needs and their own makes for the healthiest type of marriage.

Many times we allow the holidays to become a very stressful time.  We run around doing and going without giving much thought to it all.  The holidays can be much more than this if you allow it.  It can be a very romantic time, a time to reconnect with your family and especially with your spouse.  Doing little things for the holiday that leave you some time for romance can be the best option.  Instead of worrying about purchasing stuff for your spouse for the holiday, look for ways that you can spend quality time and reconnect a little.  Bank on the fact that holidays bring up nostalgia for all of us, and use it as a time to reminisce about your holidays past.  Look at pictures from yesterday, or do something for your spouse to let them know that you remember something special from their childhood or from a similar holiday spent together.  Sometimes one of the best things we can do is look back at our history together to regain those loving memories and feelings of the past.  This can actually help you look at your spouse with new eyes, or maybe old ones.

Use the holidays as an opportunity for love and you will find that your marriage problems will vanish as you reconnect to the love you had once upon a time.

Many people are looking for the keys to a healthy, happy marriage.  Here are some things that can certainly help your marriage.

1.  Don’t ever go to bed angry.  Try to work things out before you go to sleep.  If you can’t do this then try to wake up and look at the new day as a fresh start.  Don’t hold onto the argument into the next day, this can be very detrimental.

2.  Go out of your way to compliment your spouse every day whether you feel like it or not.  It is important not only as it effects your spouse and their self esteem, but it also helps reinforce to you why you are with that person and what makes them valuable to you.

3.  Communicate with your spouse, not just about what they are doing wrong or how you are feeling, but about everything.  Making your spouse your best friend, is what will best allow your marriage to flourish.

4.  Work together.  Be the compliment of one another.  If she likes to do the car repairs and you would rather do the laundry, then so be it.  The happier you are together the better you will work together, and what you will find is that working together toward a common objective helps build the relationship.

5.  Work on and address financial matters together.  Finances are such a big part of a marriage, and most couples with marriage problems seek counseling for their financial issues.  Having a solid financial plan that you are working on together can make all the difference.

6.  Put your spouse on the top of the list.  Put them ahead of friends, kids, and your family of origin and don’t just put them there, but make it obvious that you are there for them first.  This can make a big difference in your marriage.  If you don’t then you may be taking advantage of them, and don’t be surprised if they wind up feeling like a third wheel.

Many times couples allow their marriage to fall the wayside, for other things in life.  Putting your marriage first and your relationship with that other person above all else, and realizing what a blessing a marriage is will signicantly help your marriage.  Letting your wife you know that she is as special to you now as she was the day you married her, if not more so, can really turn around a failing marriage.  It does take some work, and I must tell you about this movie called FIREPROOF that I saw recently, and how it really made me realize how important my marriage really is.  This movie goes through many of the issues that a marriage can face, and how it is easy to get caught up in your marriage problems and believe that the only solution is divorce.  Some issues make us feel hard and cold toward the other person and over time these can wind up being the only feelings you have toward the other person.  That is the time that you need to dig down deep and figure out not only what you can do to change things, but to pull out that love that you once had in your heart for that other person.  Turning to any outside sources to fill the holes in your marriage won’t work, so it is important to realize that if you want to direct your energy, then direct it back into your marriage not outside of it.

I think that you will find this movie to be not only a good film, but one that provides much insight into marriage and some of the issues that married couples are facing today.  It is a very frank film, but one that speaks straight to the heart. It is a true marriage counseling film.

In relationships, there are some issues that seem to effect both men and women.  Many times they try to pretend to be something they are not, only to let their real selves shine through after the wedding, leading to disappointment and despair.  It is important that even in the beginning of a relationship that you are yourself.  Sure you want to put your best food forward, however don’t pretend to like things that you don’t and don’t pretend to be someone that you aren’t.  Many times this is the cause of many marriage problems down the line.  It is not that the woman doesn’t like who you are, but she doesn’t really know who you are.  Many relationships seem to magically change, once they become marriages, and the reason for this is that now you feel free to be who you are.  The truth is if you both were honest about who you were from the beginning then after marriage this should stay the same, no surprises. The other reason that there are issues right after marriage is that once you actually take that walk down the isle, then you each begin to treat each like family instead of like they are a special person to be cherished.  Make sure if you are planning to marry or have recently gotten married that you continue to romance each other and cherish one another, this will make all the difference in your marriage down the road.

Many couples wind up in marriage counseling in the first two years of marriage because of just these issues.  A significant change in your relationship should not occur, but it may take some work on both of your parts to make sure that you stay as much in love after the wedding as you were before it.

we feel happ

For many men, as soon as they hear the word marriage counseling, they run in the other direction.  It seems to be that in most relationships, the women want to address their marriage problems and the men just want to ignore it all.  The belief is that this is because men don’t want to deal with their feelings, and I am not sure that is really the reason.  I think that it is mostly because men want to deal with their feelings, however they don’t want to deal with their feelings in front of someone else.  They are afraid that they will be embarassed and humiliated and they don’t want a stranger looking in on that.  But marriage counseling can provide some things that you may not have thought of:

1.  It shows your spouse that you are serious about trying to make your marriage work, and that you really do care about them and their feelings.

2.  It provdes a safe environment with rules for hashing through your marital issues.  Having someone to make sure that the communication is done in an honest and fair way so as not to be perceived as an attack is a very important.  This can actually help you get your problems resolved more quickly.

3.  Having a trained marriage counselor listening to what you are saying may help you figure out the underlying issues behind the “you leave your dirty socks on the floor” kinds of things that people take to marriage counseling.

4.  Couples counseling can be combined with individual counseling for a deeper look into your own issues as well as your marriage problems.  Many times we have unresolved issues from our past that we bring into our relationship, and taking a look at these can sometimes make everything a little clearer.

If your wife is telling you that she wants to go to marriage counseling, what she is really saying is that she wants the two of you to work on your marriage, so don’t turn a deaf ear.  This is her way of letting you know that there is work to be done.  Be open to the idea and to turning your marriage around before it is too late.