Men need sex, but so do women.  Most men think that women don’t need sex, however this is not really so.  For a man, the act of sexual intercourse reaffirms their belief in the love that they share with their spouse.  For women, however, they need a certain amount of tenderness and caring to feel loved, and although they do truly enjoy the physical act of love, they find it difficult to feel “in the mood” when they are feeling overwhelmed and have a lack of connection to their spouse.  Men on the other hand tend to be more flexible with sex than women.

So as a guy, you need to be aware of these differences and work to improve your relationship, which will in turn help you to improve your sex life.  This is why it is so important for you to really understand they way to build up your relationship to an intimacy level that allows you to experience the true nature of your feeling for each other which will, I assure you increase your libido and hers.    The following things can be little changes that can make a big difference.

1.  Call her.  Whether you are out with friends or on a break at work, just letting her know that you are thinking of her can really help things.

2.  Put her first.  When she gets home from work, get off the phone or shut off the TV.  Doing this will her see that she matters more than other things in your life.

3.  Communicate your needs, but also allow her to communicate hers.  Use the echo without sounding like a parrot.  Let her know what you are hearing her say, so that she can clarify if need be.

4.  Don’t forget that you love her.  Always act lovingly, kind and respectful.  Don’t yell, tantrum or blame.  If you occasionally mess up, be sure to apologize, before she asks you to.

When Alex married Sara, he knew what he was getting, or at least he thought so.  He took the vows seriously, and has continued to remain faithful to her, despite some of the problems in their marriage.  His biggest problem however, is Sara’s weight.  At first when she gained a few pounds, he didn’t mind it, she had always been a little underweight and he didn’t mind her with a few extra pounds on her.  She had always been active and still liked to go out and hang with friends, and so it was all good.  Now it is only 6 years 4 months since their walk down the isle and Sara is over 200 lbs.  She did put on some of the weight with pregnancy, so he really thought that it would come off in time, however, that was 2 years ago, and her weight seems to still be going up and not down.

Alex says, “I love my wife, but she repulses me.  I don’t find her sexually attractive, and quite honestly making love to her is really something that I am just not compelled to do anymore.” He tells that they have a child together and that he doesn’t want to leave her, but he is constantly being lured in by thinner more attractive women, and is afraid that one day he will give in to these urges.

Now many people may believe that Alex’s complaints are merely superficial, however with the added weight have come changes in Sara’s behavior also, so this is actually a realistic concern.  Realize that I am not saying that gaining a few pounds is a reason to leave your spouse, but it can cause issues in a relationship.

The important thing to realize is that as long as there is not an underlying health issue, your wife may be putting on weight because she is unhappy.  She may be depressed or frustrated, and not necessarily with you but with her life.  It is important that together you work on this issue and improve your communication with each other to get to the bottom of the real issues.

Be careful not to criticize the weight gain or her physical appearance, but to let her know that you are sensing that she is unhappy and that you would like to work on this together.  She will not only appreciate your support, but by taking this approach you can also help to improve your marriage.

Many believe that couples that have been together for many, many years, have just not faced the difficulties that those who have divorced have faced.  You might be surprised to learn that longevity in a marriage is not created by an absence of marriage problems, but by the actual marriage problems themselves.

Those couples have faced the obstacles of going broke, of infidelity, of anger and frustration, the absence of sex, the changing of roles, the child rearing years, the empty nest syndrome, and the retiring spouse.  They understand what you are going through, just ask them, because surely any couple who has stood the test of time, has truly emerged a healthier and happier couple, cemented by instead of being ripped apart by those harrowing life experiences.

Understand that the expression that “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”, is indeed true, not only of individual life experiences, but those that you face as a couple as well.  Growth comes from problem solving together, by recommitting to your spouse over and over again.  Understand that what ever the problems in your marriage currently, that you can turn things around, make a change, and work together towards resolution.  Open your heart, and in turn your spouse’s heart will open too.  Remember the commitment that you made to each other and the love that you once shared, even if it seems far removed from your heart right now, and find a way to reconnect and rebuild.  Working through your marriage problems together will help you experience a love connection like you have never before experienced, a deep emotional connection that just continues to grow over time.

Marriage is a commitment.  A lifetime promise to another person to stick by them no matter what happens.  It is easy to make the commitment when you are all gaga over each other.  Then it is yes, yes, yeeesssss.  But somewhere along the line, you see them sick and cranky.  You each get busy fufilling your “responsibilities” in life and the relationship is suddenly in the back seat, on or in the trunk, or quite honestly has perhaps rolled off the back of the car completely, and before you know it you are sitting next to each other on the couch wondering “what went wrong?” Thinking to yourself “do I even want to save my marriage?”

Well, maybe this is you.  If it is, before you think about leaving your spouse and moving on, there are some things that you really need to think about.  First off, most second marriages work out worse than the first ones.  Secondly, remember that commitment, it didn’t say, until I am bored and tired of my spouse.  Marriage is a commitment, one that is meant to last a lifetime.  So if you are thinking about having an affair, think about using some of that energy, zest and romance that you have stored up on winning back your mate.

Don’t allow your heart to wander.  Find love with your husband again, and do it now.

1. Focus on the good in your spouse and in your life together.  Sometimes a new perspective can make all the difference.

2. Treat your spouse as if he were someone new.  Act as if you are dating for the first time, how would you treat him.

3. Dress and act to impress.  Just as you would do when you are courting someone, come to bed looking and smelling good.  Give him a long kiss in the morning (after you brush) and flirt with him the whole day through.  Make him know that you want him and the anticipation of what will come later on, will have you both excited to be together.

Love is not something that just happens, it is grown and cultivated.  So nurture, yourself, your spouse and your marriage and watch it blossom into something you cherish.

Many times when first meeting someone, we tend to put our best foot forward, after all we want them to like us and to show us their approval.  Sometimes, though, when we are in this beginning “getting to know you” phase, we pretend to be something that we aren’t.  We pretend to like what the other person likes or do things that are out of character just to make an impression.  This is called the honeymoon phase of the relationship and this is just really the getting to know you phase.  The problem for many couples is that they go into marriage before they even really know each other.  Then after they marry they find out that they have different ideas and opinions about things.

Working together on your marriage may mean compromise, however it should not require you to check your own spirit at the door just to co-habitate with your spouse.  If you are doing this, you are living a lie.  Many men especially feel that it is best to avoid the argument or heated discussion in order to keep the peace.  In the short term, this method may be working, however in the long run, it will more than likely create marriage problems and a deep seeded resentment in the other person.

So don’t completely sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship.  Instead try and communicate your feelings and work to find a middle ground, and if at first you don’t succeed, then keep trying because marriage is a lifetime commitment and one that should not be taken lightly.

Sometimes things occur in a marriage or in life in general that may force you to be separated from your spouse for a while.  For some this is heading off to war, family issues, or even a separation due to marriage problems.  When you return after a significant absence, you may find it difficult to be around your spouse, and if the separation has been for a significant amount of time, this can be a totally normal process, and does not mean that you don’t love and care about each other, and does not mean that it is time for a divorce.  Keep in mind that human beings are dynamic and constantly being changed by their circumstances and surroundings.  As a person grows, they change and sometimes these changes can be significant, however, they usually don’t affect the core of who the person truly is and this is something to keep in mind when trying to reconnect.

Understand, that if you find your marriage is in this reconnection phase, that this is an opportunity for rebirth.  An opportunity to start anew rediscovering each other in ways that you never have before.  Just because you have been together for a while, doesn’t mean that this will be comfortable, but think of it as a way to court all over again.  Date, bring her flowers, and listen to what she says.  This is an opportunity to rediscover your love with this new person, and since you are starting fresh it is a new day.  Don’t be resentful of the changes you see, but embrace them and instead of seeing these changes as having taken something from you consider it as if you are getting to know someone new, because in essence, you truly are.

I write this especially for all those who are having to reconnect after separation due to the war.  Keep in mind that you are returning a new person, and your wife is probably a different person also, so don’t expect everything to be the same as it was.  It can still be good, just not exactly the same.

Many times we allow the holidays to become a very stressful time.  We run around doing and going without giving much thought to it all.  The holidays can be much more than this if you allow it.  It can be a very romantic time, a time to reconnect with your family and especially with your spouse.  Doing little things for the holiday that leave you some time for romance can be the best option.  Instead of worrying about purchasing stuff for your spouse for the holiday, look for ways that you can spend quality time and reconnect a little.  Bank on the fact that holidays bring up nostalgia for all of us, and use it as a time to reminisce about your holidays past.  Look at pictures from yesterday, or do something for your spouse to let them know that you remember something special from their childhood or from a similar holiday spent together.  Sometimes one of the best things we can do is look back at our history together to regain those loving memories and feelings of the past.  This can actually help you look at your spouse with new eyes, or maybe old ones.

Use the holidays as an opportunity for love and you will find that your marriage problems will vanish as you reconnect to the love you had once upon a time.

My programs for men are a wonderful alternative to marriage counseling. Most people believe that marriage counseling can really help you with the core issues in your marriage. Couples who decide to see a marriage counselor often wind up yelling at each other about the laundry and dishes, when in fact their anger has absolutely nothing to do with what they are fighting about. The problem most couples have is that they are living separate lives and spend very little time communicating with each other. Jobs, children, friends, relatives, all become a priority and the marriage is somewhere at the bottom of the list. It is very easy to become distracted with day to day issues, but sitting down for just 30 minutes a day with your spouse instead of a stranger, can make you feel close and connected again. It is important to put the children to bed, turn off the TV and computer and ignore the home phone, cell phone and Blackberry. This should be quality time that is spent exclusively together with no interruptions. You don’t need to communicate your wants and needs to a third party. You don’t need to pay someone to sit and listen to you, repeat what you have just said and validate your feelings. You need to do that with your spouse! I know this seems like such a simple solution to your very complicated problems but if you will carve out 30 minutes of quality time, you’ll see your marriage change overnight. You show me a couple who has a great sex life in the bedroom and I’ll bet that is the same couple who spends time talking and connecting outside
of the bedroom.

Many people are looking for the keys to a healthy, happy marriage.  Here are some things that can certainly help your marriage.

1.  Don’t ever go to bed angry.  Try to work things out before you go to sleep.  If you can’t do this then try to wake up and look at the new day as a fresh start.  Don’t hold onto the argument into the next day, this can be very detrimental.

2.  Go out of your way to compliment your spouse every day whether you feel like it or not.  It is important not only as it effects your spouse and their self esteem, but it also helps reinforce to you why you are with that person and what makes them valuable to you.

3.  Communicate with your spouse, not just about what they are doing wrong or how you are feeling, but about everything.  Making your spouse your best friend, is what will best allow your marriage to flourish.

4.  Work together.  Be the compliment of one another.  If she likes to do the car repairs and you would rather do the laundry, then so be it.  The happier you are together the better you will work together, and what you will find is that working together toward a common objective helps build the relationship.

5.  Work on and address financial matters together.  Finances are such a big part of a marriage, and most couples with marriage problems seek counseling for their financial issues.  Having a solid financial plan that you are working on together can make all the difference.

6.  Put your spouse on the top of the list.  Put them ahead of friends, kids, and your family of origin and don’t just put them there, but make it obvious that you are there for them first.  This can make a big difference in your marriage.  If you don’t then you may be taking advantage of them, and don’t be surprised if they wind up feeling like a third wheel.

For many men, as soon as they hear the word marriage counseling, they run in the other direction.  It seems to be that in most relationships, the women want to address their marriage problems and the men just want to ignore it all.  The belief is that this is because men don’t want to deal with their feelings, and I am not sure that is really the reason.  I think that it is mostly because men want to deal with their feelings, however they don’t want to deal with their feelings in front of someone else.  They are afraid that they will be embarassed and humiliated and they don’t want a stranger looking in on that.  But marriage counseling can provide some things that you may not have thought of:

1.  It shows your spouse that you are serious about trying to make your marriage work, and that you really do care about them and their feelings.

2.  It provdes a safe environment with rules for hashing through your marital issues.  Having someone to make sure that the communication is done in an honest and fair way so as not to be perceived as an attack is a very important.  This can actually help you get your problems resolved more quickly.

3.  Having a trained marriage counselor listening to what you are saying may help you figure out the underlying issues behind the “you leave your dirty socks on the floor” kinds of things that people take to marriage counseling.

4.  Couples counseling can be combined with individual counseling for a deeper look into your own issues as well as your marriage problems.  Many times we have unresolved issues from our past that we bring into our relationship, and taking a look at these can sometimes make everything a little clearer.

If your wife is telling you that she wants to go to marriage counseling, what she is really saying is that she wants the two of you to work on your marriage, so don’t turn a deaf ear.  This is her way of letting you know that there is work to be done.  Be open to the idea and to turning your marriage around before it is too late.