When Alex married Sara, he knew what he was getting, or at least he thought so.  He took the vows seriously, and has continued to remain faithful to her, despite some of the problems in their marriage.  His biggest problem however, is Sara’s weight.  At first when she gained a few pounds, he didn’t mind it, she had always been a little underweight and he didn’t mind her with a few extra pounds on her.  She had always been active and still liked to go out and hang with friends, and so it was all good.  Now it is only 6 years 4 months since their walk down the isle and Sara is over 200 lbs.  She did put on some of the weight with pregnancy, so he really thought that it would come off in time, however, that was 2 years ago, and her weight seems to still be going up and not down.

Alex says, “I love my wife, but she repulses me.  I don’t find her sexually attractive, and quite honestly making love to her is really something that I am just not compelled to do anymore.” He tells that they have a child together and that he doesn’t want to leave her, but he is constantly being lured in by thinner more attractive women, and is afraid that one day he will give in to these urges.

Now many people may believe that Alex’s complaints are merely superficial, however with the added weight have come changes in Sara’s behavior also, so this is actually a realistic concern.  Realize that I am not saying that gaining a few pounds is a reason to leave your spouse, but it can cause issues in a relationship.

The important thing to realize is that as long as there is not an underlying health issue, your wife may be putting on weight because she is unhappy.  She may be depressed or frustrated, and not necessarily with you but with her life.  It is important that together you work on this issue and improve your communication with each other to get to the bottom of the real issues.

Be careful not to criticize the weight gain or her physical appearance, but to let her know that you are sensing that she is unhappy and that you would like to work on this together.  She will not only appreciate your support, but by taking this approach you can also help to improve your marriage.

A good marriage is built on good communication.  Many couples experience marriage problems when the communication begins to break down.  One of the biggest problems in the communication of feuding couples is the blame game.  Everyone feels the need to put the fault on the other person.  This is why when many couples go to marriage counseling, they learn how to word what they are trying to say in phrases like “I feel” or “this hurts me”.  Doing this stops them from saying things like “you do this” or “you don’t do that”.

This does not mean that you need to squash your feelings or not talk about the things that are bothering you to save the other person’s feelings.  The reason for the change in the wording is very simple; When we feel that we are being blamed for something, we feel as if we are under attack, and so we defend.  When a person is defensive, they are ready to leap on every word, without listening for the true meaning underlying what is being said.  Once the words…you do this…come out, you may as well end the discussion right there, because the person is already on the defensive and no matter how nicely worded a war will most likely ensue.

Remember that it takes two to make a marriage work and two to make a marriage fail.  Working together for the greater good of the relationship, really needs to be the goal of both the husband and the wife, and the key to it all is effective communication without blame.

Many men seem to think that this is the answer to pleasing a woman, but really this should be the least of your concerns.  Once married, you will truly realize that there is a lot more to pleasing your wife then just finding the G spot in bed.  It is much better for not only your sexual relationship but also your overall relationship to put the focus on finding what makes her happy in life.  Finding little ways to please your wife everyday will help you to please her both inside the bedroom and out.

What you will find is that the key to a good sexual relationship is knowing and understanding your spouse.  Knowing emotionally what she needs can really open up the friendship in your marriage and help you to have a closer and more intimate relationship.

Sex is just one part of a marriage and although a very important part, communication is essential to both the physical and emotional components of marriage.  Take the time to get to know your wife and her needs, and let her know you on a more intimate level as well.  Changing the focus from pleasing your wife in bed to pleasing her everyday outside the bedroom, and you will see changes in your sex life that you never thought possible.

Many times couples allow their marriage to fall the wayside, for other things in life.  Putting your marriage first and your relationship with that other person above all else, and realizing what a blessing a marriage is will signicantly help your marriage.  Letting your wife you know that she is as special to you now as she was the day you married her, if not more so, can really turn around a failing marriage.  It does take some work, and I must tell you about this movie called FIREPROOF that I saw recently, and how it really made me realize how important my marriage really is.  This movie goes through many of the issues that a marriage can face, and how it is easy to get caught up in your marriage problems and believe that the only solution is divorce.  Some issues make us feel hard and cold toward the other person and over time these can wind up being the only feelings you have toward the other person.  That is the time that you need to dig down deep and figure out not only what you can do to change things, but to pull out that love that you once had in your heart for that other person.  Turning to any outside sources to fill the holes in your marriage won’t work, so it is important to realize that if you want to direct your energy, then direct it back into your marriage not outside of it.

I think that you will find this movie to be not only a good film, but one that provides much insight into marriage and some of the issues that married couples are facing today.  It is a very frank film, but one that speaks straight to the heart. It is a true marriage counseling film.

For many men, as soon as they hear the word marriage counseling, they run in the other direction.  It seems to be that in most relationships, the women want to address their marriage problems and the men just want to ignore it all.  The belief is that this is because men don’t want to deal with their feelings, and I am not sure that is really the reason.  I think that it is mostly because men want to deal with their feelings, however they don’t want to deal with their feelings in front of someone else.  They are afraid that they will be embarassed and humiliated and they don’t want a stranger looking in on that.  But marriage counseling can provide some things that you may not have thought of:

1.  It shows your spouse that you are serious about trying to make your marriage work, and that you really do care about them and their feelings.

2.  It provdes a safe environment with rules for hashing through your marital issues.  Having someone to make sure that the communication is done in an honest and fair way so as not to be perceived as an attack is a very important.  This can actually help you get your problems resolved more quickly.

3.  Having a trained marriage counselor listening to what you are saying may help you figure out the underlying issues behind the “you leave your dirty socks on the floor” kinds of things that people take to marriage counseling.

4.  Couples counseling can be combined with individual counseling for a deeper look into your own issues as well as your marriage problems.  Many times we have unresolved issues from our past that we bring into our relationship, and taking a look at these can sometimes make everything a little clearer.

If your wife is telling you that she wants to go to marriage counseling, what she is really saying is that she wants the two of you to work on your marriage, so don’t turn a deaf ear.  This is her way of letting you know that there is work to be done.  Be open to the idea and to turning your marriage around before it is too late.

The one thing that sets aside the marital relationship from every other relationship that we have in our lives is the sexual component.  We all want a multi-faceted relationship with our spouse, however without the sexual component it is the equivalent of every other room mate situation or every other friendship that we have.  Sex is not just a physical act, it is an emotionally and mentally charged event that incorporates the physical love into a connection that is beyond spiritual.  This is the reason that sex is so important to the marital relationship, it is a connection and a bond that is shared on an intimate level between two people.

Many couples seem to be struggling to realize the importance of intercourse in their marriage.  With responsibilities taking hold, and so many things to do and places to go, more and more couples are living out platonic existances, not because they don’t love each other, but because by the time they slow down in their lives they are darn near exhaustion and ready to drop.  So what needs to be done to stop this trend is to reprioritize.  Just like laundry, dishes, and toothbrushing, you must schedule sex in.  Most couples think that this is just too much.  They don’t want to have sex on schedule, they want to have sex when they are in the mood.  So ask yourself…”When was the last time I was in the mood?” and for the most part, you probably can remember.  Reignigting your sex life, is important and to do this you must have sex with your wife, like it or not.  If you continue to live out a platonic relationship, then one or the other of you will find yourself having an affair before long, because sexual urges are natural feelings.  So make more time for your spouse, and for sex.  Put it on the calander and stick to it.  This doesn’t mean that you have to have sex everytime you are together, but use this time for intimacy and closeness, and you may find that your sexual urges are still lurking underneath it all.

One of the facts that many times is overlooked, is that living together is not a guarantee of a successful marriage.  Many marriage counselors believe that it is in the act of marriage that we transition our loved one into family status, and begin treating them as family instead of as a love interest.  In doing this many couples lose that spark that thing that made them feel so special and so attracted to that other person.  In other words, instead of being that someone special, on their wedding day many couples begin thinking and acting like their spouse is just one of the family.  This for many couples is the beginning of the end.

Perhaps, we just don’t treat our family members with the same respect that we treat other people in our lives, or maybe it is just we think that we can take them for granted because after all, we are family.  They can’t divorce us, can’t rid themselves of us, but yet a spouse can and will if we don’t live up to the expectations they have for us.

Instead of treating them as a fixture in our lives, perhaps we should be treating them as the treasured airloom that they are.  Giving them that place of highest honor and respect.  Using nice manners and always respecting them, whether they are present or not.  I know that most of us don’t mean to take our spouses for granted, yet somehow over time it just happens.

So let’s try and get back to the basics.  Treat your wife with respect and like she is a gift and I am sure that the favor will be returned.  Learning to appreciate what we have is one of the basic principles of life, and this rule can not only solve marriage problems, but many other problems in life as well.

The one thing that I have found out about myself, is that I don’t give people the praise they deserve often enough.  It is very easy to begin to take your spouse for granted after years of marriage, and to just assume that they know how you feel about them.  Everyone needs a pat on the back for a job well done, and your wife is no different.  Just thinking that she knows how you feel about her and what she is doing for you is not enough, she needs to hear it.  She needs you to tell her how wonderful you think that she is, how beautiful she is, or how much you love her.  In addition to those things though, make sure you are thanking her for the little things that she is doing each day.  Don’t just assume that she needs to do these things, but show your gratitude and thanks.  If she brings you a cup of coffee when you first wake up in the morning, tell her thank you.  Let her know that you truly appreciate all that she does to keep your household running.

Take time to compliment the little things and to notice them.  Perhaps she reorganized something, or really cleaned a room up, you need to let her know how good it looks and how much you appreciate her hard work.  By doing this, you will not only improve your marriage, but you will also find that she will probably begin to compliment you more as well.  Working together as a team, can help squash many marriage problems, and it all begins with letting your partner know how much you value and appreciate all they do in the relationship.  This creates an encouraging, nurturing environment and can help you be a more effective team.  Don’t take your wife for granted anymore, start complimenting her today, and you will see that it will create a whole new atmosphere in your home, it truly will.

Many men become increasingly frustrated when their wife isn’t in the mood.  They take this as a rejection and they become very hurt and resentful.  This can be the source of some serious marriage problems.

First it must be understood that men and women look at their sexual relationship differently.  Men use it as a way to give and receive love.  They believe that by making love to their wife, that they are not only showing her that they love her, but she is showing him that she loves him back.

Next, it must be understood that although women want to show their man that they love them, most women feel that they do this by doing nice things for them, and that sex is just something that you do when you are in the mood and not to show love.

Also, it must be acknowledged that many women are not aware of the fact that men use sex to measure love, so the best thing that you can do is to tell your wife just that.  Don’t be afraid to tell her that when she repeatedly rejects your sexual advances, this makes you feel that she doesn’t love and care about you, and that leaves you feeling hurt, sad and frustrated.

I know that many men think that this sounds a bit corny, but I can truly assure you that most women, don’t realize what they are saying by not having sex with you.  Letting them know how that makes you feel and why it is important to you, can make all the difference in your sex life and in your marriage.

The holiday time is a great time to let your wife know how much you care.  Most people, even when they are in the midst of marriage problems, don’t really want the tensions to be there.  They may be angry at the other person and think that they won’t even bother to get the their spouse a gift this year, however, choosing the right gift can let your wife know that you still care.  Doing this may break through some of the tensions of the past year, and help you start the new year on a whole new foot.  Don’t get me wrong, it won’t fix everything, but letting her know that you still love her and want to work things out, can make a huge impact, especially if you have been closed off to doing things like going to marriage counseling in the past.  Now maybe you want to work things out, but don’t want to go to a marriage counselor.  There are other things that you can do, some of the suggestions are in the Light Her Fire book.  Things like creating an evening of taking care of just her needs.  This can do a lot to show her you care.  It is not a matter of spending a lot of money, that will not be what will impress her.  What will impress her is you taking the time to make her feel special and investing the energy in reaching out to her.  If she has a special interest, then you may want to purchase tickets to an event that she will enjoy and take her for a nice evening.  You may want to buy a self help book for her and read it first, telling her you want to change things.  There are lots of wonderful ways to let her know that above all else you want to work things out and that you want to make changes.  This means showing flexibility in an area that you have been rigid in for a long time.

Chasity writes: “Robert and I had been slowly falling into a pit.  Our marriage didn’t hit the rocks, it just gradually drifted onto the shore.  Neither of us really saw it coming.  I didn’t even think that he knew that I wasn’t happy.  I really thought that he was okay with going down this same path, mundane, day after day, just co-existing.  On Christmas eve, we exchanged our gifts to each other as we always had.  I was amazed when I opened up the Light Your Fire series.  Even more amazed that not only was this what I wanted, and what we needed, but even more amazed that Robert had already listened to the first tape.  I was thrilled that he saw our problems too, and even more thrilled that he wanted things to change.  It was the best gift that I have ever gotten from Robert, and the series has not only been able to save my marriage, but to make it stronger.  We have grown together as a couple and I can’t say enough about the changes it has made for us.  We are now like newlyweds all over again, and after 27 years of marriage that is really saying a lot!”